Another “short day” at the hospital, just 6 hours today. We are getting platelets, but the good news is we are not neutropenic anymore. This means while Jacob doesn’t have the immunity of his peers, he is also not without one completely.
We did it! We didn’t go inpatient this round. AND if the scans are good…NO hospital sleepover again (in theory)!! This is very good news.
However, I do have a clock to steal from that bedside of the wing. That clock and I have some unfinished business.
And I’m sitting here reading to remember.
And I was caught up by my blog on Eve’s death where I wrote about that inner confidence that only kids seem to have. People ask me all the time what age this changes. But that is the wrong question to ask. From my data points of thousands of children, there is no “age.” And no I’m not going to be that annoying educator who never gives you an answer to a direct question. You know when they tell you “it’s different for everyone” or promise you that your child will be different. How annoying is that?
No. Your child won’t be different. They all lose it. But I also can’t tell you THE age, because I think of it as THE moment.
The moment when you realize that the world does not all act in accordance to the sandbox.
“Share the digging toy or you can’t have it.”
“Don’t throw sand. That could hurt your neighbor.”
“Don’t put things in there that don’t belong, it will ruin the sand and then we can’t come back and play here.”
The basic rules that we teach as truths. The ethics of the sandbox. This is how the world operates child. All you need is to follow the rules and everyone wins, including you.
But when your kid learns that the adult world doesn’t play that way…that’s THE moment. That these rules are fake. The realization that there really are no rules. And that rules only matter if everyone follows them.
Moments like when a child learns that the adults in charge KNOW they are poisoning our environment but yet continue to do so.
“What? The sand will be dirty! We can’t do that! We aren’t allowed to do that! Why are adults breaking their own rules?!”
This realization shatters their understanding of the world and themselves.
You told me I’m beautiful. You told me I can be anything I want to, but look people aren’t following the rules, you don’t even follow the rules.
I don’t know what to believe. Wait. Am I I’m fat?
The whole thing implodes.
And I feel like that recently.
Taking a whole 3 months off of the news makes you feel five again when watching it. It is startling actually. I feel like I’m having THE moment. All of a sudden the rules of basic decency are gone. People are throwing LOTS of sand. We are being blinded by sand. Turns out if you throw sand you can also steal the digging toy at the same time.
Am I fat?!