Nightwing

And here I am thinking about glass planes. 

Reading how I reasoned to my son that he does not need to fear school, because the idea that someone would come in and shoot innocent children just makes ZERO sense. That logic could push that idea out of his seven year old head. This idea is ridiculous like glass planes with glass luggage where everyone could see your undies! Absurd. School is safe Benno.

And still I feel this way. It’s absurd.

It does not compute. 

It makes zero logical sense. It is truly nonsensical that someone would shoot up a school. Kill innocent children. 

But yet here we are.

“Again.”

And I am truly in disbelief as I know there is no such thing as “again.” Nope. I do not accept the concept of “repeat.” 

Each school shooting has a compound affect.  All the previous communities ripped apart as they experienced the loss of the unthinkable continue to grieve, just to see it again. That the parents Sandy Hook watch. And how they live knowing that the world will forget these families as we have them. I’m in disbelief and shame on us, because this should only happen once. 

And NO it does NOT have to be this way.

There are other democratic first-world countries that have done better. Actually, ALL of them have done better. Even ones with vast hunting cultures have done better. 

And let’s be clear, guns kill more children in America. Cancer of course coming in at number two. 

And everytime this happens “again” we should be ashamed, because this time we knew better. We knew better 100x. To be accurate we know 376x better. That’s how many school shootings their have been. 376 school shootings. 

Or wait! Maybe 348,000 is the right number. That’s how many children have been involved in a school shooting. 348,000 school children have experienced being in a school with an active shooter. 348,000 traumatized children and don’t forget their families. 

And nothing has changed. We have done nothing. 

We have somehow accepted this. This is now a thing. It even has a name “School shooting.” A category. You can google it. 

This was not a phrase 20 years ago. 

We don’t need to accept this. We are mothers. This is our job.

I have been giving to Sandy Hook Promise since Sandy Hook Promise started. I give $18 a month, but more than anything I lend my name to petitions. And that’s free! Please join me in that.

And Ms. Katie C-o-u-r-i-c inspired me to follow suit. I was able to beat her record clocking in at 4 mins 28 seconds. Rep Dan Goldman’s office picked up on the first ring ! Here is a head start:) Office number: (202) 225-7944.

Any action is action.

If you are over 40 and a woman with children, you are very likely on the brink of extinction. Of being obsolete. Or at least looking like your parents trying to work their phones.

Consider this your warning call. Time to get with it.

For many of my friends this new “sensation” Chat GPT sounds like another trend, another app, another website, another thing you don’t have time for. You don’t quite understand it, but you do know enough to be concerned about it. How will this affect your children? And will bring it up in conversation with others, that will nod in agreement, “yes so scary,” and like you continue to order another cocktail.

You will dismiss it. You will play old dog. No new tricks for this dog. She’s done enough tricks. Heck consider me a circus dog. I’ve been through enough! Thank you pandemic. Thank you new world that I don’t quite understand. So no thank you. I have no desire for new technologies, I’m fine as I am.

This ignorance is bliss plan, is not a luxury you have.

This is your warning call.

This is a life changing technology and it’s happening fast. So fast that even your tech friend over here is lost in its multiple iterations. But if you don’t learn… we will all become obsolete and more reliant on others.

And this is cool stuff (and yes…scary). This technology is remarkable and beautiful. You will gain productivity and unlock creativity in a way like you’ve never experienced. But you need to learn or the world will move forward without you. The skills required in your executive level jobs will change too.

You will become obsolete.

Many of you are going to see that sentence above as dramatic, which you know I can be. You will wave your hand in the air with an air of dismissal that only one with wisdom/ years/ power feel entitled to give. And you do it because you earned it. Years of experience. Years of work. Years of prestige. Heck, your smart.

Until you weren’t. 

2023 will be forever in the books as a turning point in humanity. That the concept of “smart,” “efficient” and “creative” has changed. Man has access to artificial intelligence. Mankind has been augmented. We’ve changed the game of what it means to be human.

Humanity is now augmented with AI…

Let me be clear…as I know my reader base, the release of open AI platforms is the biggest invention in our lifetimes (so far!). 

It is time to go back to school.
But this school has no textbooks. No wrong answers.

The real way to learn is by doing. Go play.

LOGIN Here.

Dear Dr. Burr,

Writing you felt a bit selfish. Let the dead lay in peace, right?

But, upon further contemplation… I think you would want to be in the loop. A man of science would always want to know the future of scientific discoveries especially his own.

And I have tea to spill. Get ready to roll in that grave.

But first some flattery as it would be rude to wake the dead without some acknowledgement of your time on earth, And you make that easy. You are a true man of science having co-authored 92 scientific papers at Yale in nanotechnology and bioelectric dynamics. That is quite an accomplishment and I believe your writing is some of the best I’ve ever read.

Shoot. 

I don’t want to mislead you with my flattery.  You may (rightfully) summarize from these words that you are a big deal in this future world. That your contributions saved lives and transformed society.  That you are a household name! 

 Sadly, that is anything but the case.  Turns out in the 2000’s your notability is based on your ass size. I would include a photo of one such notable person as I’m assuming  a man of science likes evidence, but that feels vulgar, so please take my word on it. Fake boobs, big butts, and fake nails that struggle to hold a fork, nonetheless a beaker, are the names floating around in households all across America. 

However, butts aside, I think you would see today’s world as inspiring, but painfully infuriating. We could have a drink over that as I feel the exact same way and I just recently learned what you understand 90 years ago.

Your understanding of the body and how to communicate with it, has not gone far in the last 100 years! Your book from 1932, Blueprint for Immortality: The Electric Patterns of Life found universal truths, feels like it could have been written today.

The first three paragraphs of your book written in the 1920’s, 100 years ago, are just as pertinent today. 

We live in troubled and difficult times. There are wars and dangers of war. In many parts of the world there are revolts, protests, crime and lawlessness in clealess eruption. And over this age hangs the swords of Damocles of possible nuclear destruction…Many are tempted to believe that man is an accident, left to grapple with his lonely fate on an insignification planet in a hardsh and lawless universe.

In a materialistic, scientific age many find it hard to accept those religious beliefs that sustained our forefathers in times which-to them-seemed as troubled and perilous as the present. They would like to believe that man is no accident that the Universe in which he lives is one of law, order and purpose. But, dazzled by the methods and triumphs of science, they are unwilling to take anything on trust; they demand some ‘scientific’ proof or evidence.

Until some forty years ago (1880’s) this demand could not be met because the necessary electronic instruments and techniques had not been developed. When these became available, an entirely new approach to the nature of man and his place in the Universe became posible. For these instruments revealed that man-and, in fact, all forms- are ordered and controlled by electro-dynamic fields which can be measured and mapped with precision.

You of course spoke confidently that this tool will change health care, agriculture, and really every field in the world as all matter emits light/ fields.

You measured every living thing, including humans, and found all had electromagnetic fields and observed that all those fields interact with other fields. 

You even discovered that mental states (example: grief) has charge to it and can be measured through the body. Proving with science that emotions do affect the physical body as it literally changed the electric charge, the movement and functioning of electrions. 

Reminder electrons and protons form molecules. And when stressed our body creates free radicals. Free radicals are exactly what the name implies. Free fucking radicals. They do whatever the fuck they please in your blood stream. They sing Tom Petty all the time.

Think of that drunk girl on the dance floor bumping her ass into everything. Spilling her cocktail and desperately trying to engage you. That’s the free radical. Causing raucous, which includes inflammation and disease. 

But back to you Dr. Burr. 

You found the greatest diagnostic and healing tool in the world. Now we can see at the atomic level the functioning of the human body.

“Malignancy in the ovary has been revealed by L-field measurements before any clinical sign could be observed. Such measurements, therefore, could help doctors to detect cancer early, when there is a better chance of treating it successfully.”

You called the readings of electromagnetic fields “L-fields” the “L” standing for life. You spoke with complete confidence that “L-fields” will be used in every practice of medicine as why wouldn’t?

On page 15 you note… “In the case of L fields there is no technical reason why their use by doctors should take long.” Also noting “any intelligent man or woman can learn the techniques of taking and interpreting L-field readings in a short period of intensive instruction.”

So talent, time, nor money were the issue. But YET here we are 100+ years later and this diagnostic tool is still not commonplace. 

No instead we focus on how we can use electromagnetic fields to kill. We have radiation, we have nuclear bombs, but yet we do not use nor think of electromagnetic fields as something to heal.

But that’s changing.

And it’s happening fast and know Dr. Burr I’m doing everything I can.

I’m doing a lot of reading, listening and thinking on the properties of light. 

The power of it.

As, light can give life, and light can take life.

It can be nourishing photons to a plant, and also, a death ray burning anything in its path.

Light (energy) has two clear poles.  

From our visual eye we have sunbeam hitting a flower pedal to a laser cutting its way through metal.  

And with everything that I am learning in my own life observations and reinforced in science life is a spectrum between two poles. From our planet to our energy, all flows between poles.

TRUTH (EMIT): Everything in life is a spectrum. Literally everything. 

Colors, people, disorders, molecules are different combinations of light – specs of the spectrum.

Quick reminder for those what “light” is or how at least I’m defining it here.

Let’s focus on first sentence in this infographic as often when we see “big science words” and just glance over them.  

LIGHT is a form of electromagnetic radiation of a wavelength. Light is a specific wavelength of electromagnetic energy. 

And you guessed it, a spectrum of electromagnetic energy.

I feel very familiar with the right side. Mankind can give itself a good slap on the back for that one. We have mastered the laser. Even sharks with freaking lasers beams attached to their heads:) 

Yes, We have mastered destruction.

We are the scifi movies. We have freaking lasers and I’ve been the beneficiary of their magic. Jacob’s radiation is just that, a laser, an intense beam of strong and low divergent (low-divergent allows it to be incredibly accurate) light. Accurate enough to kill cells and not harm too much nearby.

But I’m focused on the spectrum. 

If light can kill? And give birth?…Can light heal?

That has been my last 6 momths of reading and research.

As us humans tend to discount anything we can’t see with our eyes. But science has proven that the majority of the light (which is energy) in the world cannot be seen by the human eye. See the chart below. The visible light section is the only a fraction of the energy surrounding us.

The light we tend to think about ( lightbulb/ sun) is only a small part of the light around us. We as humans can only see a fraction of light in the world. Let that one simmer…

EVERYTHING has a wavelength/ a field from people to a butterflies.

Turns out those hippies weren’t tripping. Auras are real.

I don’t think they can tell you your future, but they can tell the amount of electromagnetic energy you produce off your body into the world. We can see into the atomic level of your body’s functioning. 

I find it interesting that our electromagnetic fields are not measured when we go to the doctor. We have had this ability for over 100 years, but really fine tuned it in the last 20. Instead they take our weight, height, blood, but the measurement of the energy field which is informed by the atomic level of your body’s functioning is not seem as important information. This boogles my mind as each cell in the body has a unique frequency including cancer cells. 

As usual, I’m finding in my ongoing cancer research that the simple and easy things are not where the money is and therefore are dropped. Drugs make money. Preventative care does not.

But that’s where I’m spending my time and energy, with the light.

“Students, please meet your newest classmate.”

Snickers around the room.

“Now now…please be kind. Our new classmate’s pronoun is “they/them” and while they may be a different voice than you are accustomed to, please welcome they.

At MYX we have added a member to our cohorts. They doesn’t raise their hand nor speak unless asked but has already been a valuable member adding their insights to be debated among their peers.

Unlike most higher education institutions MYX is not freaking out as to how they will handle Chat GPT and the rise of AIs. We are not building walls of fire (aka firewalls) nor threatening expulsion from engaging with this technology, if anything we encourage it. 

They has a seat in our classroom.

You see…there is no such thing as “again.” You can’t go backwards. But yet my colleagues spend so much time fighting progress, which explains the lack of it in our field. By making AI “forbidden,” it increases it allure and by not treating the technology as part of learning you are hindering students from learning a tool that will absolutely be part of their future.

At MYX we treat Chat GPT has another source. Another opinion in the room. Often we will ask Chat GPT to write a paper and read that paper together and discuss it’s merits before sending our students off to write their own.

Chat GPT is a pencil for these students. No different than other tools. And unlike the pencil, will be with us and only growing over the next decades.

We bring it in the classroom as our students need to see this technology as a tool, not as the source of TRUTH. That is where things get dangerous. By reframing Chat GTP as a student in our class, they is just another voice, another aspect, another tool in our own understandings of the questions we want to solve. 

And in that vein I asked Chat GPT what they thought about its use in the classroom.

As an AI language model, ChatGPT can be a useful tool in the classroom to enhance learning experiences. However, it is important to use it responsibly and in a way that complements, rather than replaces, traditional teaching methods. Here are some potential benefits and considerations:

Benefits:

• ChatGPT can provide instant and personalized feedback to students, allowing them to review and revise their work in real-time.
• It can help students access information on a wide range of topics, including those that may not be covered in class.
• ChatGPT can assist students in developing critical thinking skills by engaging them in thought-provoking discussions and debates.
• It can help students learn in a more interactive and engaging way, making the learning experience more enjoyable.

Considerations:

• ChatGPT is not a substitute for human interaction and expertise. Teachers should continue to play a central role in guiding and facilitating classroom discussions and activities.
• It is important to be aware of potential biases and limitations in the responses generated by ChatGPT, as it is only as reliable and accurate as the data it has been trained on.
• Teachers should consider the ethical implications of using AI in the classroom and ensure that students understand the limitations and potential risks of using these technologies.
• ChatGPT should be used in a way that complements and supports the learning objectives of the curriculum, rather than as a replacement for traditional teaching methods.

In summary, ChatGPT can be a valuable tool in the classroom if used responsibly and in a way that complements traditional teaching methods. Teachers should be aware of the potential benefits and limitations of using AI technologies and ensure that they are used in an ethical and effective manner.

And there you have it.

Class dismissed.

I’m rereading. 

It’s been a while. That I have read me. And I’m going from start to finish. The entire blog.

This is a huge time commitment. I’ve put in about 50 hours or so and I’m only at October of 9th, 2019, otherwise known as Day 10 of round 5 in a cancer world of just Mondays.

At this time we were just ending chemo. Wait. To be accurate, we were just finishing chemo for the second time. My blog has reminded that we had once thought we were done with chemo only to be told he will require more so this time is a more reserved Cancer Abby. She has learned. She understands that she no control and that nothing is promised. And that everything is to be “expected.”

But that is not one of the lessons.

I’m learning a lot.

 I left some pretty important  breadcrumbs, nuggets of truth. 

Prior I was worried about this journey, this reread. 

There are moments that are pure horrific surprise. Yes surprise! As I accurately described in my blog, memory is anything but accurate and I’m learning that my memory of this time 4 years later is anything but accurate. My memory a bit more rosie. A bit less traumatic. While I know that my mind purposefully protects my recall. I am thankful for the blog. There are lessons that I need to know. Lessons for answers. 

That’s actually why I’m rereading it. 

I’m rereading to find the answer. 

I forgot that cancer rhymed with answer. Thanks 5 year old Jacob for reminding me. 

And now I write to remember this moment as I reread.  These breadcrumbs of truth I left to help myself survive. 

I wrote to myself of certainty in that world of chaos, I wrote to remind myself of certain truths that allow a life to be loved and lived

But the craziest part as a I reread… I have envy.

HOW FREAKING CRAZY IS THAT?!

How could one envy this woman going through traumatic experience after another?! 

But I do. I have envy.  

This girl was wise. She saw it all. She saw the pattern in the noise. She saw the molectules form in her mind. And she wrote it down so that she wouldn’t forget. She even knew then that she would not remember. She knew how memories worked during trauma. She wrote it all the Fuck down. 

Okay Cancer Abby (my new name for this woman I read), I’m listening. I’m a believer. 

And I leave you with a new breadcrumb. As usual it comes in song.

As I’ve learned that anything worth saying, has already been said to music. 

Believer by Imagine Dragons

First things first

I’ma say all the words inside my head

I’m fired up and tired of the way

That things have been, oh-ooh

The way that things have been, oh-ooh

Second things second

Don’t you tell me what you think that I could be

I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh-ooh

The master of my sea, oh-ooh

I was broken from a young age

Taking my sulking to the masses

Writing my poems for the few

That look at me, took to me, shook to me, feeling me

Singing from heartache from the pain

Taking my message from the veins

Speaking my lesson from the brain

Seeing the beauty through the

Pain!

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Pain!

Oh, let the bullets fly, oh, let them rain

My life, my love, my drive, they came from

Pain!

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Yes. I believe you. I believe you. I see the beauty. I do. I see it. And yes, It came with a lot of PAIN, but you made me a believer.

That there are answers and there is certainty if you are a believer. 

It just takes the courage to believe. 

Thanks for the reminder!

“I want to be a normal boy.”  

This was on repeat last night. 

We knew this time in his life would come. It was a matter of time. Turns out the time is 4 years. Clocking in at 9 years old.

Jacob’s relationship with cancer has been so different than yours and mine. And I feel comfortable speaking to you as if you have been touched by cancer because statistically speaking the odds are…YES you have. 

But Jacob’s understanding and experience with cancer are different than ours.

Prior to being diagnosed, his dad got cancer, went into the hospital, and came back cancer free 2 weeks later. That was only 6 months prior to his diagnosis so still fresh. Still a topic of conversation at a dinner party. Jacob knew the word cancer. 

Even during his own cancer,  Jacob’s relationship was different.  Eight months into treatment, Jacob whispered in my ear so a boy at the table next to us couldn’t hear.

 “I’m lucky I have cancer, look, mom, that boy is broken.”

Said boy had a cast on his arm. I even remember looking over at the boy; his mom and he were looking right back at us. I wonder if they were having the same conversation as they whispered about the bald thin boy. 

Jacob spoke about cancer with genuine acceptance and something he “does” just like your kid does baseball. Like today. It’s scan week. 

“Today your getting a line put in and then a 90-minute scan.” 

His response? “Mom I know! Your blocking the TV. Move.”

But lately, there is a new cry. A cry for normalcy.

“I want to be a normal boy.”

Cancer “ruined his life.”  Jacob has come to believe that if he didn’t have cancer he would be “normal.” People would treat him differently and he would be skinny and excellent at soccer. He reports that people are just being fake nice.  That they don’t want to sit with him at lunch. 

He is sad and also angry. He vacillates between the two emotions within seconds. 

My response was clear. “That will never happen. You will never be a normal boy.”

Long pause. Jacob’s eyes are full of tears. His eyebrows furrow deeply. 

“Have you met your parents?! This is an impossibility for you.”

Jacob rolled his eyes. Now he’s annoyed.

But I’m dead serious.

I repeat it again. “You will never be normal. That is not in the cards. And why would you wish for such a terrible thing?”

Now he’s angry and (of course) screaming (level 11). “What terrible thing did I wish for?!”

“To be a normal boy. What does a normal boy look like and do even? Does a normal boy live at sea and adventure? Does a normal boy have a bunny living in his bathroom? 

And I can go on…which I did, but it all backfired. 

He’s not Benno. There is no reasoning with him. He hates being wrong and now he is furious at me.

Ugh.

Luckily he has therapy tomorrow. I clearly suck at this. I just wish I could share with him all that I learned when processing his cancer. I want him to skip all the pain. The “What if” game you will play in your mind. It will not serve him and will torment him. But maybe its the only way to find your own truth. 

That there is no such thing as a normal boy.

Cancer happened.

And you suck at soccer, and, yes, have a passion for eating.

But you are the funniest, smartest, and STRONGEST kid anyone has ever met.

(dumping posts that I found but never finished)

May your new year embody the new reality. 

2023 is a year of breaking rules. Even writing new equations. 

1+1=infinity

No I don’t speak blonde.

I am taking issue with the “known” fact that 1+1 = 2.

Some may want to tattoo it to remember that you aren’t crazy, that you too can summon a star. That we can change mass into energy and create. 

Nuclear fusion is a new mantra for me.

Of course, I’m geeking out on the science of it and can’t stop reading about it. How one can think of this as God like? We are CREATING more energy that went in. 

It gives me hope.

2023 is going to be a good year. 

We were brought into room one today. 

I remember room one. The last time Steve and I sat there we were there for a consultation as our child had just been diagnosed with neuroblastoma. 

The room has changed along with Steve and me. All a bit more refreshed. I’m showered and in pants that zip, even washed my hair! The room has new furniture and a fresh coat of paint, and Steve is half the size he was last time we were here.  

And it’s fitting we’re back in room one, as today is a bit of a graduation day for us in our cancer journey. Coming full circle! We are meeting our new team, the” long-term care team.” Yes, Jacob finally qualifies as a “survivor” at Sloan.

This team does not focus on the cancer/ the potential of relapse.  No this team’s purpose is to oversee the side effects of his treatment. 

All the sides. 

I totally forgot about them. 

The side effects of chemo, the side effects of radiation, and the side effects of immunotherapy. How we need to watch his spine as they don’t expect all the vertebras to grow due to radiation that continues to radiate in his body. Isn’t that interesting? Chemo makes damage (like taking away your hearing) and then disappears, Radiation will continue in his body for life. The side effects are largely still unknown.  And immunotherapy…that list is long too.

There were so many sides. New things to watch. His heart from radiation may age faster, he may be infertile, oh the list. 

And all of a sudden I was back in room one hearing the “and thens.” I forgot about all the things we signed up for. All of the therapies we said yes to. All of the future decisions we made on Jacob’s behalf. And I walked out sick. 

Truly. Next day fever, etc. My body collapsed. Back to sweatpants. 

The sides are real. We can’t run from cancer. Turns out there is no “after.” Cancer will be part of our story for ever as we will always have a “side” of it. 

He alludes to before and after too. 

This is new. 

I probably should be relieved. Jacob talks about cancer with emotion. That should be “e” word (expected) right? 

Until recently the word cancer carried zero emotions.

“That was when I had cancer,” Jacob would say to a teacher in class when referring to a past event. With the same absolute fact nature as a child saying he was at “grandmas.”

“Is it a cancer day?” Jacob will ask me nonchalantly when I mention I’m picking him up early. “No, it’s the orthodontist,” I reply while brushing my teeth with the same lack of emotion. 

He speaks of cancer as you would speak about going to the grocery store.

I once told him I found that odd. 

He was confused why that was odd. I even told him that “I see a feelings doctor due to your cancer.” This stunned him. “Why?” Truly baffled. When I tried to explain… fruitless, he seems stuck on the basic premise of the disagreement, “why would I even be upset about cancer?”

At first, I questioned his lack of emotion and then I just lapsed in my gratitude for it. How lucky am I? He ran back into life as I did. No looking back. Straight ahead, making up for the lost time. He was a “normal” kid. 

But that has changed.

 He is angry and sad. 

For the first time referred to before and after. 

He speaks differently than I do about before and after. 

Unlike mine,  it is not a story of his pain. It is not a story of the trauma, of isolation.  No needles, no hospital references, make up his narrative of life  “before” or “after,”  it is only about others.

“After cancer people were different.“

Jacob feels like the world left him behind. He went into the hospital and everything changed when he came out. 

I ask what was before was like? “I knew what to do, had friends, and was popular, and cool.”

And after cancer? I ask.

“After, everyone’s changed. They don’t like the same things. The kids are different. I don’t know most of them. I suck at sports. I’m fat.

He told me that cancer “stole his dreams.”

He told me he is lonely at school and it’s exhausting pretending to try to be happy. He can’t connect with the boys in his class because he does not know how to play the games. He missed Kindergarten and first grade, he feels lost. 

And of course I’m mad at myself.  I should have noticed that he didn’t get invited too much. No playdate invites, no birthday parties galore. He wanted to come home after school. He also didn’t ask for playdates. And this is NYC! These kids are so overscheduled so I didn’t think much of it. I’m sure everyone is busy. 

And the bit of social interaction I did see…was always stellar. No issues making friends. None. He will walk up to any kid and by the end of the night has a crew of 10 hanging on his every word on any vacation. This kid is cool.

So I’m a bit in shock. He is the fattest in his class and he is the worst athlete. No one wants Jacob on their team. And at lunch people move seats. I saw it with my own eyes too. No one was mean to Jacob. The kids were beyond kind to Jacob. But Jacob stands out. I get their annoyance as he can’t play close to their level. They know they will lose with Jacob on their team, but no one was not kind. 

What did stand out? Jacob’s freaking GRIT and BRAVERYI could have NEVER done what he did. I would have not even gotten on the field. He knew how they felt and he knew he would be bad at the game. But he got on the field. He ran.  He waved. He high-fived. He pretended after each kick that he missed came out of nowhere. Slapping his head. The face of amazement.

 I see him pretending. 

He even laughed when he saw others laugh, but I knew couldn’t have physically hear the joke. There was no way with his hearing that he could hear that conversation.

I was in awe of Jacob. How he keeps going. How I held back tears and wanted every excuse to get him off that field. I had a moment too. He got injured, he came out, I said “let’s go”- but no he wanted to stay. 

I am so weak. 

Jacob you are so strong. 

I am in awe of you. 

And I write this to remind myself how LUCKY I am. How normal this is. This is not life or death, this is a soccer game. This is a story of a boy finding his way. Sure its a bit tougher than the usual child having social issues as this boy lost time, but there is an after.