Certain.

You tell me today is my birthday. That it is July 16th.

Today I turn 39 years old. The secret is out! 

My age. 

This was once a closely guarded secret for a good decade. My age hurt my career. While everyone was trying to be/ look younger, I was always hoping to come off older. I even had the head of HR recommend wearing glasses. I guess glasses command respect. Maybe you get a zoomed in lens on life. And I was game, anything to keep the onslaught of complaints about not being ‘“old enough” or “good enough.” I actually did buy a pair of fake glasses. I looked in the mirror and knew this is “bullshit.” I’m going to wear glasses to make some parents feel more comfortable. I’ll let my work speak for itself.

Looking back…maybe I should have worn the glasses, lol.

Next year I turn 40 and I embrace my age. I embrace if it sounds “old” or if it sounds “young.” It just sounds right.

It brings me back to my last milestone birthday, 30.

I’ve always gone “first” with the majority of my friends. I’m the “oldest.” Just a few months older than all of you. My mother, not an educational researcher by training, but a follower of instinct knew that being the “youngest” (summer birthday) puts you at a real disadvantage in life, she held me back in Kindergarten. Smart lady! Thus, one of the oldest. I recall everyone freaking out about me turning 30, because it meant that they were next. Turning 30 meant we were not in our 20’s, youth officially over.

I, on the other hand, was SO excited to turn 30. I hated my 20’s. I had a rough ride. My 20’s were full of insecurities and painful losses. And here I am again…rooting for a decade change. This time I walk in with eyes wide open.

My 20’s taught me to value myself. In my 20’s I was a victim. And I use that word properly. I know what it implies. I was actually a victim of crimes of both the physical and mental.

I walked into my 30’s saying NEVER AGAIN. I will settle for nothing less than I deserved and will never allow myself to be a victim again. I started off with a bang I married Steve Brody when I was 30 years and 8 days old. A good man. A man that I deserved. I deserved the best.

I walked into my 30’s as a warrior. I walked with purpose and armor. I would RUN things. I would protect myself. I would be in CONTROL. And I accomplished more in my 30’s that some would accomplish in a lifetime, but it was on MY terms. It was for what I thought was best. It was based on research on science, but I think at times short sided. A lot can’t be explained by research and science…so I have learned. 

And its time to enter another decade soon and again I’m looking forward to it. I wish a year from now is NOW.

This decade too will be different. I’m walking in without a defense shield. I am relinquishing control for certainty. Certainty. No doubts. Certainty in chaos. Certainty is the exact opposite of anxiety. I will walk into my 40’s with that. Not sure how to get there yet, but I got a year or more. Time stands still over here. Days can become years.

And it will be a decade of abundance of love and health.

But I do KNOW one thing about this certainty that I have a year to find. This certainty does not come from within, it comes from connection. It comes from you. It comes from working with others, not trying to control others. When you let go…the world comes to you.

I am certain. 

Not convinced? Look at this.

Thank you for helping me close this decade.

With extreme gratitute,

Abby

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8 Comments

  1. Happy birthday beautiful. Sending you love. Lots of it and after reading so much of your eloquence I don’t have the right words so I am just wanting to see you love and support. (And a big hug).

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  2. Happy birthday Abby! I just turned 39 a few days ago, next year will be my 40th and our 10 year wedding anniversary. Never put much thought to it but I’ve always wanted to do burning man…will talk to Adam!!! I love your light. Light the way!!! ❤️🙏

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