I have a problem. I have this blog but it lives in your time. Your time is a “ping” in your inbox. It is stamped. Even the time you read it is stamped.
It’s sealed. It’s read.
But its not like that.
Its evolving for me. I keep editing. I keep going back. I keep growing and learning. Nothing is ever “done.” It can always be better. But its not about writing better, its about capturing it accurately for me and TRUST me I know the stakes are high.
I vacillate. I’m scared. I only write in the moment and now people pile on me. Will my last post put me “out” in the eyes of G-d?! Am I HURTING JACOB by my writing?! Is that possible?
At this point isn’t anything possible?!
I live in fear. Fear of going right instead of left.
You can’t tell me its all going to be okay, because it hasn’t been. The odds that I will be hit by a car are higher than yours.
And for what its worth, you judgers, I feel closer to G-d/ light/ it than ever before. I’m not “there there” as there are a LOT of questions I still have, but I’m getting closer.
And yet you judge. You always judge.
I write these blogs for me.
I’m my biggest follower. Heck I’m a fan.
I read them over and over. Probably each one at least 10 times a day, because it makes me feel in control.
I did that. That is over. I came to THAT understanding.
I read it to remember, because even when you find God/light/it, you doubt yourself. Everyday I have to fight to come to the understanding of yesterday.
I start all over.
So the blog reminds me.
I can start on page 10
Beyond confirmation of the known, I also get strength. I do from this stupid blog.
It brings life. It brings beauty. I know I’m not alone. I see the stats on the blogs and it makes me feel strong. It makes me feel like I have the world’s prayers on my side. It makes me think that you will help me, you will help Jacob. That the world is more than this moment.
So I just write. I don’t think. I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m just trying to find/express what is going on.
To find an OUT. To find a way FUCKING OUT.
So please don’t judge what you read. I’m doing the best I freaking can. Please know that I have never INTENDED to hurt anyone in my life.
Today has been a BAD DAY.
I can’t even begin to describe it and its still raging on, but here is a few of the moments…
- I Feel terrible. Not sick, but I am not myself and I need to be 100% myself for Jacob. I’m off because I took some drug last night. I haven’t slept in weeks. I started getting paranoid that I will get sick. That I will get Jacob sick. So I took a drug. I am not responding well. I feel so anxious today I could jump out of my skin. I have a head ache. I tingle and I can’t do the “show” well. I’m trying though, but it is rough.
- I’m going back on lexipro. This is very upsetting to me and defeating. I had to go on it for my job (that story for another time) and I worked hard to get off of it. I even left the job! But I’m going back on and its hell. It is not a fun ride up. But everyone says its a must. So I’m listening to the “experts.”
- Steve and I yelled at each other. This is not the norm. We are both just so exhausted. I yelled at him to come in the room and then yelled at him when he didn’t come right away. He is trying. He is doing better than trying. He is doing everything. I know that. I just lose it seeing Jacob like this, but its not cool. We need each other more than ever.
- Jacob is so sad, but still so Jacob. He just lays there. He doesn’t want to watch TV, just lay. Food doesn’t taste the same so it is ongoing battle to find something he will eat.
- We lost an eye lash today. I found it right where the “third eye” should be. Started writing about that. To remind myself of the beauty and how it was a sign, but I don’t have time.
- We have to give him shots now. He cries, but then gives you a limb to poke it in. Its pure parent and child torture.
- My niece is in the hospital. She had an asthma attack. She will be fine but it was scary and she needs family. My sister in-law is out of town, so my mother in law has to go to Naomi now.
- That means… Benno’s back. He was supposed to be with my mother-in-law in NJ having a normal life and driving his distraction toy they got him. Benno doesn’t do well with change and BOY is he letting us know.
- Remember that phone call with the drug company? After hours of coordination, it all failed. The delivery was rejected and Steve had to run to the city and deal with that. Leaving me alone with Jacob and his pain. I had to give my child oxy. I had to give him a serious drug and I didn’t have my partner. It sucked.
- The TV is broken. Steve is fixing now, but not a time for the TV to be broken.
- And my business…this one is putting me over the top.
- Due to various reasons Mind the Gap needs to find a new seed investor, but I can’t physically go do it. LET ME BE CLEAR: I need Mind the Gap to continue. The world needs Mind the Gap to continue. It can to do good AND good can be exchanged for favors with G-d. I NEED Mind the Gap to help millions. It is my best work ever. It is my heart and soul. It can change the world and I don’t have the ability to find new funding. I know money is money, but where it comes from matters to me. I want someone who cares. They will own equity. I need it to be with a good person, but who has the time?! NOT ME
- And no one can freaking figure out how to deliver to this place?! I can’t get food and I was alone all day. I’ve yelled at about a zillion delivery guys. Shit. Just realized your going to send food! Of course you would. Because you are a good person and I would do that for you. Don’t do that!! You need to understand that we are living on a boat. We have ZERO room, especially with all the stuff Jacob needs now. And Jacob’s taste buds change daily. I need to order just what we need, but thank you.
- Then to top it off, I’ve been told that “I’m doing damage” by someone I love and need. That I’m hurting people! If they only KNEW the pain and KNEW how hard I am trying to do just the opposite. If only they knew or took the time to figure it out. You see I don’t have TIME to explain it to you, it is on YOU to figure it out. Everyone else seems to have. All of you have. All of you have Friends of Nightwing. Thank you.
What sucks the most is that strangers get it better than Some people closest to you. The people that should get it.
Why do you think that is?
Is true understanding of an individual only seen from a distance?
Or is it that when you are so close to someone you see yourself in them and then it just becomes about you?
I’m not sure.
All I know is that write.
I just write.
And then I read