Night “off”

Jacob wanted Mema to sleep with him. That’s Steve’s mom. Whole blog on that…just not sure she would want me to publish, but basically I’ve had a “night off,” I wasn’t sleeping over. Everyone was encouraging me to do this and seemed to be the right thing for Benno. I could put Benno to sleep. He hasn’t seen much of me.

So what did I do on my night “off?”

I cried and cried and cried. I didn’t stop. All the way to morning. I didn’t sleep.

Its the first time I’ve “seen” Steve in 13 days. I mean the first time we have been alone and not running in opposite directions. That’s not normal for us.  We do everything together. Literally everything. Steve doesn’t have “guy” friends. He doesn’t go off and golf with the guys or go see a game with “the boys.” We don’t have girlfriends and guy friends, we only have OUR friends. We’re a packaged deal. It’s a two for one. 

We don’t function without each other. And I’m not trying to be romantic. I mean in a mechanical way, like a machine. He’s the engine and I’m the energy source. He ain’t no ordinary machine. He is the Watson of Watsons. He is AI enabled, he learns and updates himself. He is always the latest and greatest, maybe even a step ahead of AI. However, he only works on power. He needs to be plugged in, I’m on the other side of that cord. I need him charged.

For the past 10 years, Steve and I have spent every night doing the same thing. Starting at 8:30PM with a wine spritzer for me and a vodka tonic for him, we hang. This is our time and we do it EVERY night. Some nights it may start later if we have dinner plans, but we don’t sleep without this ritual, even if it has to start at midnight. We sit and talk about our day. I help him think through his work and he does the same for me. We brainstorm. We rift. We laugh. We plan. We plot. This is my favorite part of the day. The night. Nights with Steve.

So we had a night.

We attempted to be normal. He made me my drink and we sat outside and he started talking. 

And I just cried. I just cried. I just cried. 

I got a few words in when I could. I did. I wanted to be there with Steve. Don’t get me wrong. It has been all that I’ve wanted. It’s always all that I want. But I just cried. And felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

I know why you think I’m crying, but it has nothing to do with Jacob. Wait! No that’s what I’m trying to say.

It has everything to do with Jacob.

but it’s more. It’s so much more…

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2 Comments

  1. Thank you for giving me vivid sense of how incredibly hard it is each day for your whole family and giving me a glimpse of the amazing personalities of your 2 sons. Tears come when we have very strong emotion – fear, sadness, love, or even happiness may need a release. Tears are certainly in order whenever you have the opportunity. No parent should have to see their child struggle with cancer. No spouse should have had to suffer as her beloved faced cancer. All this seems so unfair to a caring contributing dynamic family and I pray for healing and miracles for Jacob and your whole family. Clearly you and Steve have the strength, wisdom, resourcefulness, and love to support each other and your sons as each challenge arises. Sending prayers, love and hope to your whole family. Candice Nadler

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