“Not investable.”

That’s me.

That’s the phrase I’ve heard about 12 times now.

“Not investable.” 

I’ve also learned another phrase “fiduciary responsibility”

People keep telling me these words. Over and over. They keep explaining them to me as they believe I don’t understand. At this point, they can even lay claim that I’m not “listening,” but I am. I’m listening. 

I just don’t accept it.

I just don’t. 

It can’t be. How can the world be this cruel? How can the world operate like this?

Maybe I’m in denial or maybe THEY don’t understand. They don’t understand my passion, my power.

I just can’t win. I am judged regardless. Even taking the time to write about my business during this time I’m judged.

BUT I am. I’m writing about it. I’m thinking about it. I am. It’s important

But again I can’t win and even if I plow ahead…I am now “not investable.” 

We fight. 

Steve and I fight. It’s usually about this. This is new territory for us. He is logic and I am passion and those two things can’t be mixed when the stakes are high and personal, my life’s work. They used to mix. Sweet and Salty, so delicious. But now we remind me of the Rio de Negro in the Amazon. I remember when I first saw it. These two independent powerful bodies of water coming together and not mixing. They run side by side, too “dense” to mix. Instead you see a divide. A line in the water. A physical divide in nature.

It looks anything but natural

I feel like this has to be a nightmare. That I am being punished. That everything that I knew right about the world, is someone wrong. It’s all flipped. 

And now, I’m being punished for having a child with cancer. And my team, innocent bystanders. People who live in your time are being punished?! Why is that?!

“I’m not investable” and it turns out possibly not right to invest me. It’s that other phrase, “fiduciary responsibility.”

“No one will bet on you. No one can”

I’ve even heard: “We don’t invest in entrepreneurs who just had children, I doubt anyone will invest in someone with a child with cancer.” 

I’ve been shown metrics on how big companies invest. A huge chunk Of their decision metric goes to the “person” the “get it done person.” I get it. It all boils down to people. Ideas are free, you bet on the person that can see it through.

But I have an incredible team I shout and I’m leading from afar, but they want me. “I’m the name.”

I still don’t understand.

Do you understand that isn’t the way it works in MY world? That it will never be me that makes MTG change the world? Do they understand the magic in education is NOT at the top, but actually at the VERY bottom? Any educational venture’s success will boil down to one thing: teachers. Teachers. Teachers. Teachers. The magicians. The people who make you realize that you have everything you will ever need. Teachers.

And I’m here. I’m here in any way I can.

I went back to my advisors. “Let’s find an angel investor that can just give me capital to keep my team chugging and give me time. Take me through Jacob’s surgery and into the immunotherapy phase. We can use that time to make it even stronger/ better. I’ve learned a few things during this plight. Things that I can use to improve our work.”

But, now I look weak. Desperate even. 

Again “ not investable.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That word doesn’t even make sense to me.  How can someone be not investable?

I’m not from your business world so maybe that is why I’m having such a difficult time with your known “truths.” We have kids that struggle to read. We have kids whose brains are wired differently than yours. We have young adults who struggle to survive in the real world due to anxiety, etc., but does anyone say they are “ not investable?” I’m in the business of growth. I recognize that growth is not always linear, there are plateaus like when a child learns to read. I’ve seen the those plotted lines. Sometimes people just need time.

I need some time. Just a little time.

That’s not the same thing. I hear you business people smirking. She really doesn’t get it.

 Its apples and oranges.

Maybe that’s it. 

I’m an apple and the business world is an orange.

We will never understand each other. They will never understand how smart our solution is. They will never understand the need. I tell them about the GAP. The gap between schooling and the real world. How students are unprepared in both independent living and work-ready skills. How the old model doesn’t work in today’s economy and future. How this is the reason behind so much that’s wrong. They nod. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to agree. I’m not making this shit up. The stats are out there. There isn’t a week that the NYTimes doesn’t publish something about the demise of higher education. Colleges are in trouble…they are closing. the signs are freaking everywhere. I’m not the only one with this idea, but I do believe, the only one with the solution. But wait…

I’m “not investable” (right now), because I have a child with cancer.

BUT I DON’T ACCEPT IT.

I DON’T ACCEPT YOU.

Wait…

Are you “investable?!”

Is there someone out there reading this that is BIG in education? Is there someone that can be “out front?!” Lead my team. However, I do CARE about my team. You have to take care of them and live up to my promises. But someone has to be investable. Be this “big name” that is so important. I don’t care about money. I don’t care at all. Take the business and run. JUST DO IT. Someone just DO THIS. I’ll give you the keys. I’ll be your guide. I will pick up the phone if you need me. You don’t. I have the team ready. And I’ll be there in a few months.

Stronger. A survivor.

So see add below

HELP WANTED:

Investable! That is all you need to be. An educational entrepreneur that is investable. Ideally a man.

My husband will be angry about that (the man part). He claims this has nothing to do with gender. That as a man with a child with cancer, he is “not investable” too, but you and I know that its more complicated than that. I need this to happen so I’m just calling it out, I’m being transparent.

REWRITE:

HELP WANTED: White male in his 40’s (with stay at home wife) with background in higher education.

Is that fucking investable?

Because according to your world, I’m not.