I’m rereading

I’m rereading. 

It’s been a while. That I have read me. And I’m going from start to finish. The entire blog.

This is a huge time commitment. I’ve put in about 50 hours or so and I’m only at October of 9th, 2019, otherwise known as Day 10 of round 5 in a cancer world of just Mondays.

At this time we were just ending chemo. Wait. To be accurate, we were just finishing chemo for the second time. My blog has reminded that we had once thought we were done with chemo only to be told he will require more so this time is a more reserved Cancer Abby. She has learned. She understands that she no control and that nothing is promised. And that everything is to be “expected.”

But that is not one of the lessons.

I’m learning a lot.

 I left some pretty important  breadcrumbs, nuggets of truth. 

Prior I was worried about this journey, this reread. 

There are moments that are pure horrific surprise. Yes surprise! As I accurately described in my blog, memory is anything but accurate and I’m learning that my memory of this time 4 years later is anything but accurate. My memory a bit more rosie. A bit less traumatic. While I know that my mind purposefully protects my recall. I am thankful for the blog. There are lessons that I need to know. Lessons for answers. 

That’s actually why I’m rereading it. 

I’m rereading to find the answer. 

I forgot that cancer rhymed with answer. Thanks 5 year old Jacob for reminding me. 

And now I write to remember this moment as I reread.  These breadcrumbs of truth I left to help myself survive. 

I wrote to myself of certainty in that world of chaos, I wrote to remind myself of certain truths that allow a life to be loved and lived

But the craziest part as a I reread… I have envy.


How could one envy this woman going through traumatic experience after another?! 

But I do. I have envy.  

This girl was wise. She saw it all. She saw the pattern in the noise. She saw the molectules form in her mind. And she wrote it down so that she wouldn’t forget. She even knew then that she would not remember. She knew how memories worked during trauma. She wrote it all the Fuck down. 

Okay Cancer Abby (my new name for this woman I read), I’m listening. I’m a believer. 

And I leave you with a new breadcrumb. As usual it comes in song.

As I’ve learned that anything worth saying, has already been said to music. 

Believer by Imagine Dragons

First things first

I’ma say all the words inside my head

I’m fired up and tired of the way

That things have been, oh-ooh

The way that things have been, oh-ooh

Second things second

Don’t you tell me what you think that I could be

I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh-ooh

The master of my sea, oh-ooh

I was broken from a young age

Taking my sulking to the masses

Writing my poems for the few

That look at me, took to me, shook to me, feeling me

Singing from heartache from the pain

Taking my message from the veins

Speaking my lesson from the brain

Seeing the beauty through the


You made me a, you made me a believer, believer


Oh, let the bullets fly, oh, let them rain

My life, my love, my drive, they came from


You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Yes. I believe you. I believe you. I see the beauty. I do. I see it. And yes, It came with a lot of PAIN, but you made me a believer.

That there are answers and there is certainty if you are a believer. 

It just takes the courage to believe. 

Thanks for the reminder!

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