I’ve gained 10 pounds. I weighed myself. Something I never do, but when you attempt to put on pants for the first time in weeks and none of them fit, you probably have a problem. So I went to verify it.
It really should not be a surprise to anyone, especially this one. I could have calculated the weight gain myself, no scale required just a calculator. I believe I’ve consumed an extra 2,500 calories of cookies a day, right before bed.
Eating until I feel sick is a new comfort. It makes the pain shift. Instead of feeling anxious and sad, I get a terrible stomach ache. And I just keep eating through it. The pain welcomed, and the vehicle to the pain? Comforting.
I’ve been here before. Never gaining this much! This is a new record. And I don’t recall this being a huge part of the first two cycles. I’ve never seen a number like this before on the scale, but when you are on round three, you just give in. You feel so hopeless. That even though it’s “over” it’s never “over.” That you are trapped not by cancer, which you thought was the true villain, but by your own body. You feel like you never walked out of the hospital at all. That you have been running in place for the past 3 years. Running and going nowhere. That you are back to square zero.
Now I know in my head I’m not living this nightmare anymore, but can someone tell my body that?
So I went for a walk and I’m going to quit the cookies…or at least try.
- Morning missies are constant. It gets better during the evening.
- Taking some days between treatments to see if the spacing effect matters as I’m not responding as one would have hoped.
- Today is Benno’s 11th birthday. Special day planned that I hope I can enjoy