Going on four.
Day one was really dark. Just the understanding that there will be a day two, three, four, five…was enough to put me in tears for hours. I don’t have time for this. I don’t have minutes to spare! Days? Absolutely not.
It’s odd that even though I know what it is happening, it still feels like the first time. But thankfully, I left breadcrumbs.
The world is so gloomy right now. I’m not feeling capable or worthy of anything. I feel you Lady Gaga, the shame and guilt are worse than the pain. The physical pain is only a reminder of how much you suck. How feeling like this lets down everyone around you. Your family, your team, and yourself.
Disappointed to be here again. And while I know it’s not my “fault,” I am frustrated. I really tried this time. After last cycle I changed my life. I stepped down as CEO to spend more time with my family and focus on mental health. My new role allowed me to work with students and families directly- YEAH! So happy. I even worked out (gasp!). I was doing great. Everything was going great.
Many of my friends have said I was “triggered.” That by being back at the hospital last week triggered me, but I hate that word. I blame millennials and their overuse of “trigger” making it the most annoying word ever so apologies for using this word at all.
And I really don’t think it was the room of waiting that “triggered” it. The timing is a bit suspicious, I hear you, but this has been an incredibly stressful month. A month of true betrayal. If you have seen me recently you may see my hunched over with a dagger in my back. And what pisses me off is that the dagger was not even from a real competitor, an equal. My dagger is from incompetent people. Like stupid people. I allowed stupid to hurt me and others. And it also came from someone who called himself “a friend.”
Due to this dagger, I am back as CEO of my company and I have been operating at 250% to fix the stupidly, which was fixed by competent people like myself and the rest of my team in 2 weeks. Yes two weeks to do the work that a team of “experts” have been (not) doing for months. And fix it we did as let me be clear (especially to you fuckers who caused this issue) “NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY STUDENTS!” No one. Got that?! No one.
Sorry tangent. The only other feeling besides extreme sadness is anger. So I embrace the anger. That one helps me get out of bed. One day I will write about my anger and name those fuckers behind it, but until the litigation is over…sadly I can’t.
So stress…maybe that did it.
But if I had to name the moment where I felt a shift. It was leaving the hospital. My body wanted to stay. I wanted to live in the singularity. And when you go from operating at 250% to 0% within an hour, it turns out revving up the engine can be hard. Or in my case, impossible. The engine completely shut down.
I write to record. I write to find patterns.
I’ve read all my posts from previous cycles and I rarely focus on the environmental factors around these flairs. I feel that is an important piece to understand to help prevent them. In the past I believed that June was the culprit (the “anniversary effect”) but that really doesn’t feel right for me anymore. I didn’t even realize it was June. I have been working 24/7. At no point did I say- wow three year ago was the worst day of my life.
And for me the only way to find the light out is to understand its source. EMIT (truth in Hebrew). I do not want to be here again. I WILL NOT BE HERE AGAIN. No more Junes.
Began: Sunday, June 12th
Environment: Extreme stress and betrayal and a day in the room of waiting
Treatment: Started Tuesday, June 14th