It definitely was not the plan. The plan being the movie playing in my head for the last 2 years.
I envisioned this very clearly. Jacob returning to his school in New York. It marked more than an end of cancer, but the beginning of “normalcy.”
That I would be able to say “I’m dropping the kids off at school.” After two years I would have a house without children to homeschool or oversee online. And my kids would be “normal” and maybe that would make me “normal” too.
I would create this vision of today in the middle of long nights at the hospital. The visions could not have been clearer. I had certain friends next to me and Jacob’s friends would hug him and point “look Jacob!.” And when it was time to go inside, I would hug Jacob at the door and watch him go into the classroom. I would hug his teachers. I would hug everyone in sight. I even kissed the floor of the building. Then I would head to work.
Life would automatically become NORMAL. Plain normal.
That is not exactly how it went.
Instead I waited in a long line in the rain filling out Covid health forms, in a sea of masked kids and adults. Once at the front of the line, Jacob was moved into a stairwell door and poof he was gone.
It happened so fast. The day I spent 100’s of days envisioning happened. Jacob was in school.
I walked away. Cried a bit by myself. Not quite sure what those tears were. No, actually I do. They were tears of defeat. Defeat. That there is no normal. That there is no “again.” That all I want is to go back to a time that is gone. The people are different, the world is different, why did everything have to change?!
But then I came home and watched this video.
And I’m changing my tune. Maybe different isn’t so bad.
Jacob seems totally fine with different and children in general seem fine with different. He didn’t have issue with his entrance. It was only me.
It’s us, the adults who struggle. Who can only envision and dream from what they know. And it seems that we only wish for a future of knowns. We dream of certainty. Visions with no lines. Visions with familiar sites (places and peoples). Visions of no rain.
And those dreams are only harmful as they require “again.” There is no such thing as “again.” It will never be the same.
There is only now.
And NOW I have two boys in school, on a rainy day in New York and I “go” to work (at my kitchen table). This is my new normal. It isn’t what I envisioned, but it also isn’t a hospital bed. And I am thankful for the now.
I am ready to build a NEW normal. It will not be the “vision” it will just be the now.
PS- Benno’s first day back to school too! I forget that he too has not had a normal drop off in 2 years! He was distant all last year. It is a big day for him too! 4th grade:)