The pact

I made a pact.

With God. 

This is the second time I’ve done such an act.

Therefore, while it wasn’t my first foray in negotiations with “the one,” it wasn’t a regular event.

Only once before and this pact has remained secure with only one minor hiccup (Steve’s cancer). Otherwise, solid. God came through. Lines of negotiations tight, everyone held up their side.

Pacts with God have not been my norm.

 I know others are more confident in these. Not just some, but  the majority spill into pews on a perfectly good Satuday/Sunday when having a lazy day with reality TVwould be easier. This factoid has never been lost on me. More people believe in God than those who don’t. But a large minority also voted for Trump, so…you can’t take mass appeal as an indicator on its own, but this is not meaningless data.

Noted. People. The people have voted. God wins.

I’ve always been an agnostic. That is scary to admit. I fear God could strike me down and take away miracles it has bestowed me by even writing it, but please know that I’m not an atheist.

 Now that is a stupid position. Hedge your bets dude. Agnostics understand that betting against God is just as potentially dangerous as betting on it. We are Switzerland just looking to make an informed choice. Not denying your data, just not making a choice.

So I hedge bets. 

Until I didn’t. I created a test, the first pact. The one I made at the wall in Jerusalem. I said God you find me my soulmate and I won’t eat shellfish or pork again. Show me your miracles. I remember saying that. 

I remember crying it.I remember begging after two failed engagements, one that was quite abusive.

And I remember being super clear. We need some key performance indicators (KPIs). No blind faith here. So we need metrics. I gave God six months to find my soulmate. 

I met him at four in. God works fast. 

And then I made another pact, 7 years later.

This pact was said in a hospital room around 4AM on what I’m sure was a Monday, as everyday was a Monday there. But I knew a promise of giving up shellfish and pork would not be sufficient.

God, Save Jacob, and I will save the rest. I will devote my life to all the rest.

So for the rest of the year I sat with Jacob in the hospital, and I plotted. I had to solve pediatric cancer. Clearly this was a big lift. Sure this pact was a longshot, but I would do anything to save my son. 

And for those that remember I dug deep into the past. To understand the enemy, cancer, you needed to know its story. I looked with a particular eye, when has there been GREAT accomplishments in this lifelong fight (cancer has been around since human existence). Why such a stalemate? Why not enough progress? You realize we have people in space right now on a travel cruise?!

I was aware that money would play a large role. I’m sadly no idiot.I learned through my research that the best times in cancer research is when public opinion is obsessed with it. With so much happening in the world at that time in the hospital (elections, North Korea), how could I get people to put cancer first. 


I had a PR problem.

I needed to reinvigorate the mission. It had to feel like putting a man on the moon. Yes. We’re going to plan flags. I needed people turning in. I need the world to stop and take a look at cancer.

I started planning an event for the 4th of July 2020. I was in contact with performing artists from that hospital room. I was contacting camps across the country for the largest flash mob of children all dancing to bring attention to this cause. And I was inviting hospitals to plant American flags with dates and goals on fields in Brooklyn near the Macy day fireworks. Putting some KPIs into cancer. 

Planting flags that by 2026 we would beat Neuroblastoma etc. I contacted Macys to help! To make one entire song of fireworks to the song the kids could dance to across the world and make them all gold for the color of pediatric cancer with red, white and blue sprinkled in.  America was going to cure cancer. Just like America went to the fucking moon first. Side note : Macy’s has no interest, but I kept hounding them. 

And then Covid happened. All things stopped. And I also realized something even greater.  I’m not a event producer. I’m not a PR person. I’m a freaking educator! 

But I couldn’t give up. Jacob was in remission. So God is up on me. I’m in debt. I got fucking work to do. I got to go.

What can I do?! How can I help save cancer? 

And that led me to creating a business. One that made money and ALSO leveraged my talents to help create a generation that would tackle these problems. And all the money I would make, I would give to cancer. 

And everyday I wake up with that one intention. 

And everyday I wake up I have to deal with the reality that not everyone else moves through the world with the same intentions. That money and power is more important than children. 

So I made a pact and I may not make good on my end. I’m scared Jacob will get sick again (which I know in my rational head is a ridiculous- even if God exists, rumor has it he/she is “good”). 

And I feel like an idiot for being so naive. That I could do this. That I could save them all or even get enough people interested in helping me do it. 

I turned 41 yesterday. I spent the day crying. Crying that it took me 41 years to learn the biggest lesson of all, the world doesn’t give a shit.

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