I am FINE jewelry

FINE JEWELRY- A category of jewelry that is “fine.”

Previously I assumed that meant expensive, from only the finest metals and stones. Honestly, a category of jewelry that I had no interest in. Flair isn’t about materials, it is about stories.  I have yet to find a necklace behind glass that has a story. A story that reminds me of an adventure or a friend. So such fine things don’t interest me. I am not an owner of fine jewelry.

But I had it all wrong.

Turns out the “fine” in Jewelry means something different. More of a validation of being “fine.”

I got surprised with something fine.

I am wearing my “I am fine” jewelry for the rest of my life.

Even as it turns my neck blue I will find a place for it. And I thank you Benno. I do. With your 10th birthday money you bought a best friend necklace and decided to give half of it to me. It made me smile. It even got me out of bed. You broke the riptide that kept me at sea. The pebble made it to the beach.

And today is the first day I feel a bit normal. I didn’t wake up with an intense sadness with tears in my eyes. I woke up with anxiety, but the sadness nor high level of anxiety was not there. It was such a relief. 

And I went into town with my boys. I heard the “Ms. Levin” and turned. It was a former student who I taught first grade to. He is now an investment banker. Yep. I’m old. He didn’t think I would recognize him. But I did. Even after all these years. And he told me he saw me on a podcast and how proud he was to tell his friends about his teacher who is helping to change the world. How he wish he could go to college again with MYX.

I introduced him to my children. I told him how he was once their age and used to cry at kickball when he lost. And I cluted my fine jewelry and felt loved. And remembered my purpose.

And instead of beating myself up for my inability to function this last week. I looked at this young man and felt immensely proud. I remember when he lost those kickball games.I remember when he lost his mother in 7th grade from cancer. I remember. But look at him now. I introduced myself to his girlfriend. I took it all in. I had something to do with that. I had something to do with his success. I did that.

Tomorrow I get back to work, but not in the same way. 

I vow to take time to connect my fine jewelry heart with its other side. I vow to be more present to my children. I vow to be more patient with myself. 

I will own my diagnosis. 

I suffer from PTSD.

I will not apologize for this.

And I will be FINE.

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