Mountain

It must be a joke, but no joke here.

Only a mountain.

Up. Up. Up. Hill that is.

Its one big fucking mountain. You climb a peak and your like, “Yep. I did it. Only downhill from here and I can see it all! All of it. I see each turn. I see each canyon. I know my future. Heck, I think I’ll even run the entire thing down.”

But no. That never happens.

You just see a canyon with a bigger peak right behind it and the clock for some reason is always ticking.

Wait?

Is this a race and no one told me? Why do I feel behind?

At least that is what is happening here.

That is what I’m not writing about. I feel so freaking stressed.

So many mountains. And I have someplace to freaking go. But there they are…always showing up. Always. And the roller coster of up and down is exhausting

Steve’s Cancer (up)

Boat (down)

Jacob’s Cancer (up up )

Remission (down)

Covid (up)

Renewed sense of purpose (down )

Jacob struggling with PTSD (up hill)

Benno struggling with his brother (up hill)

Me and my PTSD (up hill)

And Everything is a bit more complicated. Everything a bit more difficult. Every step…right? Just the extra memory needed to grab a mask leaving the door?

Am I right?

I know I am not alone here. I bet you have some mountains too.

And let us NOT forget democracy as we know it is in threat, in danger. ( UP HILL CLIFF)

So that is where I’m at. Climbing that freaking mountain. So freaking stressed about my children, the world, and my work. Just wish something would go right.

Like Jacob going back to school. All he wanted was to go to Avenues. He often said “when cancer is over, I go back to school with my friends.” I get the fierce connection. That was his cancer support group. Avenues was there every step of the way for their friend and student. I was going to homeschool them in isolation, but the idea of Jacob not having peers again, found me moving my entire family to the best opportunity for them that I have ever seen. But Jacob wasn’t ready it seems and now I’m homeschooling again. UP!

And work. I’ve made the decision that we will NOT be opening this Spring. There is no way I am putting students in danger and I do not want to bring harm to the neighborhhoods that our houses will be part of. And the idea of moving to Miami and leaving my children behind for 3 months…that was feeling a bit overwhelming.

And the whining on this end doesn’t stop. And then I realized something…

I have not left the house (no seriously) in over 4 days. Has that happened to anyone else? With not leaving for work everyday, I find myself not leaving. I work from here. Jacob’s school is from here. There is no lack of laundry here.

So I went to put on my shoes to take a walk around the block.

And there is was.

The breadcrumbs.

The clues. The writing. The things I write down to remember again.

I even wrote it on my shoes.