This last year had only one event, Jacob’s fight with cancer.
How did it affect me? It made me question everything I’ve ever known. Even the “knowns” like the sky is up and the floor is down felt questionable. Right versus wrong felt uncertain. Even my own identity I was unclear about.
Was I good? Was I being punished? Is the world a good place? Did I even want to be in it?
I went inwards. I went walking. I went to the river. I listened to music.
But mainly I observed.
I saw the world in a new light. I watched it run by me. And even though I walked it felt like I was stagnant. It was really an out of body experience. At first it looked like pure chaos. I felt sad for humanity. Just all these people in their worlds with no rhyme or reason. Running with frowns. And at first I thought that was the lesson, that there is no meaning and my search for the WHY (why all these things happen) was a fruitless pursuit that would only bring confusion and pain.
But one thing I had was time. Lots of time. Sitting. Sitting. Sitting by beds. Sitting with books.
So I sat.
And I saw something. I saw a thread. I saw patterns. I saw some order in the chaos. I wish I could say I hold that understanding now in every step, but that would be a lie. I fight for that understanding each and every day.
Especially when the world feels so fragile and “tribed” off.
But I oddly leave this year of trauma with incredible inspiration. I also leave in debt to the world and the pattern that truly do exist. The reality that there are no coincidences. The reality that things happen because they have meaning for you, but that meaning may only present itself 10 years down the road. But the WHY does exist. It is up to us to connect the dots.
I feel inspired. I feel alive. I feel unbelievably grateful.
And my path led to remission of Jacob. A gift like no other. And it led me to today. To PAY IT FORWARD.
Inspired for tomorrow.