Turns out it is all relative for them too.
Kids also measure their life by relativity. Often using their closest control, a sibling.
Today I messed up. Or rather I broke his trust. I never surprise Jacob with his day. He is always aware of what will happen to him. “First you will get your port accessed…,” but the rules keep changing due to Covid and I made one the rookie mistake.
I made a promise.
Remember cancer mom. Never do that. Expect the unexpected as everything is “to be expected.”
After Jacob’s last immunotherapy round I promised him that he wouldn’t have a COVID test for a long time. But today…surprise COVID test. He needs it prior to going into surgery tomorrow.
This surprise did not go well.
And again I do this alone. I do this alone as he screams. I do this alone as he begs in a hysterical voice not to hold him down against his will. And I hear his cry of relativity.
Why me? Why am I getting this test? Is Benno getting this test? Is he? I won’t do it until he gets it! Benno has to get four to be equal. When mom? When mom? When is Benno getting a Covid test?!
It took 30mins to get this test done and sadly three nurses who he kicked and swatted at. In the end, I broke his trust again, I had to hold him down against his will.
He won’t let me touch him now, which is the worst part. Punishing me for breaking his trust.
And now he sits in a tube for 2hours after yesterday being strapped in for an hour with a cage over his head.
And he is not alone in his idea of injustice, Benno too is having quite the week of anger. He feels that no one cares about him. That he doesn’t get the presents that Jacob gets. That we owe him $500 in damages of presents never received. How life is so unfair to him. How everything is about Jacob.
But yet he doesn’t understand that for Jacob everything is about Benno. How their relativity is at play. How each feels the other is dealt the best hand. How they define themselves by each other.
But there is one thing they both agree on, it’s my fault.
That they are unanimous about.