I’m back in research mode. I guess that is where I cope. Trying to learn to solve. Trying to get my body under control. I can’t live like this.
I started with a case study. There is one right in front of me, Steve Brody. He has experienced the same exact trauma. It’s a data scientist dream, minus the fact that we aren’t twins, but still very promising.
But no. Scratch that. He has not only experienced the trauma of hearing a doctor give your child a death sentence (20% survival rate), but has also been given one himself. He has been told he has stage 4 lung cancer. That survival rate is much lower than even Jacob’s. He has had the trauma of all trauma. He thought he was going to die. But yet he walks around me the same.
I had to learn more. Why is he not having this?! What can I learn?
Steve shared that he is incapbale of having post-traumatic stress. He can’t have post-traumatic stress, as there is nothing “post.” Jacob is in remission of an incurable disease with a 50-60% relapse rate. So Steve just continues on in the state of FIGHT. He never let his gaurd down. He hasn’t processed anything as he is still very much in it. There is no post. There is only the now and it says “go go go!”
That made me sad. So sad. That didn’t help and made me sad for Steve. My envy disappeared. That doesn’t sound like a way to live either.
But thanks to all of you, I’ve found better research as Steve and I learned we cannot be compared. Too very different beings. I am not a fighter. And my body is making that clear. It is making its own decisions now. Trust me. I wish I could wake up without feeling crippled.
So I am going down a new rabbit hole of reasearch. This time on trauma and healing. I will share what I learn with you all as one thing I’ve discovered through this blog is I am NOT alone. Many of you are trauma survivors yourself. Some of you have had PTSD. I had never heard of PTSD beyond the military. I haven’t bombed a village nor have I witnessed my friend die in front of me in a war, so this is all a very new concept to me.
But I like new concepts. I like to learn.
And like with everything, I will focus on the science. I know that science will ground me. Learning is where I thrive. That is the greatest gift one can have and I’m lucky to have the ability to learn anything I want to. And now I WANT to learn how to heal.