Capable to incapacitated. Overnight.

How does one go from a very capable human to a mess?

No, Seriously do you know how?

And if yes, how do you undo it?

I am very capable, I know that in my heart. More capable than most (at least I think). I can problem solve, I drive a boat, I will escape any room, I’m okay talking about most topics (as I can reason my way through them), and I can carry multiple responsibilities. 

And rationally I know, I once worked from 7-7 in a job that was anything but mundane. Never knew what would happen in the day and the chances of sitting for a stretch of 45 minutes straight were rare. It was go go go. And while doing that had two kids, had a pretty active social life, and juggled it all. Sure I was tired, but I oddly thrived. The job matched my energy.

Then I had a child with pediatric cancer. I had a whole new juggling act. And this one was 12AM-12PM type of gig. During this time, I still worked, started writing, and seized any non-hospital days with vengeance attempting to have some sort of family normalcy. Was it easy? No, but did it. I didn’t have to “will” it in any way. Just did it. 

But yet now… I can barely get from point A to point B. I can cry at a drop of a hat. I randomly become so nervous I vomit. WAIT. I know what your thinking. NO. I’m not pregnant. 

It’s so bad that I can become so crazy anxious at any time (nothing! Seriously nothing is happening) and I have to remind myself to breathe. I find myself avoiding my phone like a plague. Scared of even a text or an email. What could it possible say? And now I’m scared of my inbox that keeps piling up, even though I have combed through them to know they are all safe. I even find myself stopping and counting to 4 to ensure I’m breathing. At times I’m not too sure I am. Just got to double-check that now and then.

 If you see me you may not even notice. I do my very best to look okay, but secretly I’m just watching everything and even myself. You may catch me counting to 4, the boys caught doing that  a few times, but other than that, normal. I know because I can oddly see it all unfold. I can see myself. Only 3 to 10 feet away. And I want to scream at her to fix her hair, but I know better, she is not capable of even doing that. Waste of breath that scream would be and there is no way in saving that hair. 

And it’s scary. Like really scary. Feeling so useless and incapacitated. I’m not a fan of this girl. She sucks. She just wants to sleep. She just wants to cry. She is totally incapable. I mean she needs to remember to breathe.

So on that note…anyone have info on this therapy or even better have done it?! Looking for any intel.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy

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3 Comments

  1. Wana come over For dinner on Wednesday Bring kids if you need we will figure it out

    Sent from my iPhone

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  2. Abby, I have heard of it and understand it is supposed to be fantastic. Also check out somatic experiencing. There is an AMAZING woman who does virtual sessions @magdalenaweinstein on Instagram – super super smart on the biology of the body (I know you will appreciate that) and has this really special way about it. Text, call, write anytime if you want more info. xx Sheila

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