Three feet. Ten feet tops. That’s about the length it feels.

It is a strange thing to explain. How does one explain the length between yourself and well….yourself? But that is about the distance between the experiences. 

Three to ten.

It’s like a movie. Yes. A movie.

 I watch this movie (to be fair its the only one on) but it’s a good one. Hands down, this is a crowd-pleaser. This movie is fabulous. I can’t deny that. A true redemption story of love. And when I doubt if my interpretation is correct and not biased, I only need to look at the characters for confirmation. Yes, this is a good movie. All the characters are living their dreams. They overcame huge obstacles. All the characters are so alive and thriving. Jacob, Steve, and Benno are alive and living life to its fullest.

We are in Nantucket. 

For those who may recall, Nantucket was the place that Benno fixated on when we spent our summer last year in the hospital instead of as planned, traveling by sea. Nantucket. The place that for some freaking reason Benno was fixated on and inconsolable that we would not go. It was an odd fixation. He had never been there (we had never been there), but THIS is what Benno would cry about. How his summer was ruined because he can’t go to Nantucket. 

And I recall how I furious I was that he could yell and cry about this. Fucking Nantucket! How he would use his limited time with me when home from the hospital with Jacob to cry about Nantucket.

And here we are.

I get it Benno. It is beautiful. This is the best set ever. Every movie should be filmed here. It is truly a Brody dream. A boaters town with gorgeous sunsets, good people and food. And we sailed here! Just like we always dreamed and as I write this my boys are fast asleep on the boat. Our safe haven.

It honestly doesn’t get more perfect.

It doesn’t.

I know because I’m watching it. It is perfect. One could question if the director went too over the top. The film is maybe too beautiful to be believed.

The only issue is I’m not feeling it nor living it.

I am three to ten feet away.

Like a movie its a passive user experience. Nope. Wrong word. Passive would infer no emotions. There are plenty of emotions as I watch, but they don’t seem correct nor correlate with the show in front of my eyes. It’s narrative quite different. And I think the discord between the emotions is what frustrates me most. It’s hard to reconcile, especially when the space between the “me watching” and the “me doing” collapses. 

It has happened. I have been one. 

Like when we were in a sinking boat, or even yesterday there was one. Right for a minute, I was right there. I was scooting down main street with Jacob’s arms wrapped around me on our scooter as I navigated the cobblestone streets. The two of us saying “bumpity bump.” That I felt. Not just saw. It was amazing.

But the moments are fleeting and few.

Then back. Three to ten feet.

And it’s strange (to say the least). I oddly wish I had this experience before. It would have been welcomed in the hospital. I would have welcomed the distance. Unfortunately, the now was consuming and I felt every minute, every painful minute. But now this disassociation between experience and emotion is hurtful. Instead of living the movie and feeling joy, I see it with a weight on my chest. 

I watch the movie. I watch my life. 

Three to ten feet away.

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