Therapy it is.
I’m not not a fan of therapy, I do believe it has merit and have seen results in the past, but I hate the long haul of it. I always like the quickest way out. I would rather the extreme and quick method. Can I just take some ayahuasca, live on a commune for a month and return a new person? Is there a way to get all the flashbacks and anxiety out through a good scary acid trip? Let me relive it once and put it all aside? Seriously this has huge appeal. But this whole mother with job responsibilities keeps getting in the way.
Because living like this and “working through it” is wasting time. TIME. The most precious asset. You know the freaking clock. Back to that clock. Tic. Toc. I may have left that hospital room, but I still hear that clock. The clock that I stared at and was convinced never moved night after night, keeping my family captive by its hands.
And I don’t have the time for this. I also don’t have the heart for this. I need to be able to enjoy this time. We need this so badly. I can’t do this to Steve either who is ready to launch forward into life, only pulled back by me. Watching him this summer has been my biggest joy. Seeing him enjoy the boys with all his heart and soul. Seeing him relish these summer nights. I try and cover the anxiety to not dampen his joy, but like the best friend he is, he is there for me through this too. But, I wish he didn’t have to.
AND WHY NOW?!
Seriously. Sure I had depression spouts during these last few years and of course anxiety, but it all had a reason, I was looking straight at it, living in a mother’s nightmare. And now, it just lives in my body, a relic of the past. Unsure where to go. Unsure how to let go. Or is it just preparing for the next blow? My mind can’t stop thinking…between Steve and Jacob’s cancer we had 6 months. Is my body just ready for the next shoe to drop? Is it just preparing?
I try and stop the anxiety with pure reason. But like parents, it doesn’t listen to reason. Nope. Just fear.
But I write the following reason to remember it later.
- We are living on the boat, adventuring! Our family’s happy place
- Jacob is doing great and is happy
- Benno is FANTASTIC (another post for another time)
- Steve has never been happier
- Black Lives are getting the attention it deserves (another post for another time)
- Education is in the spotlight getting its day of reckoning (hello unsustainable tuitions?!). This will further change
Don’t believe it, Abby, look at the pics! Every night this view for sunset in Montauk.
But there is such grief in those eyes. Grief. Holding back tears, even in the happiest place on earth.
So therapy it is.