Words

No lack of those. Only time.

But this I need to record as its a theme this year and this lesson comes OVER and OVER. I think I have it done now. I understand the world. No more need to repeat. I got it. Hear that?! I GOT IT.

IT’S ALL RELATIVE

Its June. Its June. Its June. Sorry I had to write that 3x for me. Still hard to sink in. June is VERY loaded for me. It was in this month that it all began. The slow unravel. The time when left turned right and up turned down. My whole world was unrecognizable from one day to the next. On the 18th it will be a year. My year anniversary as cancer mom.

But I digress. 

Back to the lesson. 

IT’S ALL RELATIVE.

12 months ago, I recall vividly saying, “well it can’t get any worse.” At that point, the “worse” was the state of the world with the bombings escalating in Syria and Trump starting a scary dance with North Korea AND Jacob. One day a perfectly healthy 5-year-old boy with persistent constipation, to a child with a rare and progressed cancer all over his body. That was low. That was the “worse it can get.”

A whole new relativity of “bad.”  The day before that was a “bad” day, now felt good. I wished for that day.

Flash forward 4 months. The world seems more in flames. The United States split into two by divisive rhetoric coming from the office that supposedly represents us all. And we find out that Jacob’s cancer is chemo resistant. That he is now at the highest risk category that exists. We had never heard of that category prior. We thought we were already at the highest. Nope. 

As usual, its all relative.

Now this is the “worse it can get.”

Flash forward to COVID-19. The world is…well you know. This is the actual “worse.” Now you have a child in treatment for cancer and need to navigate hospitals during a pandemic. BUT Jacob is in remission, life can resume…but can’t as life has stopped. Jacob is ready to enter the world. He jumps up and down at the idea of school and birthday parties, but nope. Instead of being welcomed in the world, he is pushed back into isolation. A world in crisis. 

But I actually sighed. This is it! YES! This is it. I’m FUCKING HERE! Life could not get worse than this. I did it. I am touching the floor. Only up for him!

Yes Siree! Only up!

I see the light.

But maybe it was just a flash of light. Maybe it was a warning from above, that more is coming.

This is my block. This is shot from our upstairs neighbor’s window. This is NYC that joins my other home city Minneapolis in flames. I recognize the anger. I recognize the pain. A life promised and taken away. All the youth with no jobs and robbed of a future. Youth waking up to a reality that the very people that protect carry their own biases and hate. That power is corrupt. That power can be abused.

I have words.

I do.

I have so many words. So many words. 

But its June…and instead of jumping up and down as I had always envisioned as we were told “a year.” I sit quiet.

I know that life is relative. I know that tomorrow is not promised.

BUT I also learned that because of that, TODAY matters.

So back to work I go. I go to be part of the solution. I go to MAKE tomorrow better.

I go to make my own Law of Relativity.