I can’t write.
I always write about how I am feeling, but now I can’t do that anymore.
It’s just an endless cycle of pity, guilt, and gratitude. REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT.
STEP #1: PITY. I wake up with a pit in my stomach. So frustrated by the reality of my life. Upset about so many things. That I’m still hunkered. Going on month 11 and it’s SO SO loud. Jacob can’t get his hearing aids because the clinic is closed until May 15th and who knows when we will see them after they open. Then I think about how I lost my business because I couldn’t run a company from the hospital, but that LITERALLY, everything I predicted is happening in education. And I may miss out on helping this movement. That men can hole themselves up in offices, but I can’t. Everyone wants mom and when your mom happens to be a teacher, it is hard to argue that I shouldn’t be the ones teaching the kids.
I could go on, but what is the point. It just spirals from there.
UNTIL…I move to step 2, Guilt.
STEP #2: People are dying! How dare I complain. We have our health AND wealth. We are SO lucky.
Then I am forced into step 3.
STEP #3: GRATITUDE. Thank you thank you! Thank G-d we still have our jobs, thank goodness we didn’t just get Jacob’s diagnosis. Thank the lord Jacob and our family has remained healthy.
And REPEAT that cycle all day long.
So I just stew. Stew in my thoughts that go from pity, guilt, to forced gratitude throughout the day.
And now today I got the call that they are moving up the scans (AHHHHH). That this week Jacob will get new scans.
STEP 1 (PITY): I’m so scared. Relapse is very real and I know of boy Jacob’s age with the same diagnosis that relapsed after 3 months. While everyone is complaining about homeschooling etc. Try doing all of that and add being in hospitals. Having to split your family a part to keep everyone safe. Having to expose your immune suppressed kid to a hospital during a pandemic. Oh and don’t forget that it can kill your husband who has one lung.
STEP 2 (GUILT): I start hating on myself that I am complaining at all. What if THIS was the best moments of my life? What if Jacob relapses and here I am complaining right now. And how can I complain when we are lucky to be in remission. How can I complain when Jacob is cancer-free?!!! Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Oh wait. I know what it will bring!
PITY. GUILT. GRATITUDE.