It started as a convenience. It was just easier. Formulating the spoken word was near to impossible. Half due to logistics. I was living in the hospital with Jacob 24/7. Talking was difficult. But the other half was due to breath. I could get the words out. I couldn’t tell you what was going on. Hearing the words made them more real and uttering them without collapsing was unthinkable.

So I wrote.

I didn’t speak to anyone for a good 4 months. The blog became my phone call. It was the way Steve and I even communicated.

It started by writing to specific people. I would receive an email or a text and respond on the blog as I assumed someone else was asking and the idea of telling it again was not a privilege of time nor emotion I had. 

So I wrote.

And it became a lifeline. 

That was not planned. 

And now I am going to start writing parts I could not before. I don’t know why now. Why now I’m able to write about the bigger emotional trauma. Before it just felt insurmountable. It felt traumatic to even think about. 

I think of these words as long calls. Those phone calls where you have to sit and hunker down with a good friend. The call will answer the question so many asked, that I never answered beyond “you do what you have to do.”  Not capable of being captured on a blog.

So today I start the book.

Today I start the LONG call to you. The real inner journey of cancer mom.