Jacob is staring. Then he rushes over to me.
“Look there is the boy!”
I look over and there is a boy with the cast. I have heard about him. Jacob has mentioned him numerous times now. He is enthralled by this child.
Jacob whispers in my ear. “That is really bad. I have cancer, but he is broken. I’m lucky!”
He runs off.
Turns out life is all about perspective.
Sure we can chalk it up to him being six years old and not having an understanding of the real world, but he does understand his world. In his world, people get cancer all the time and they are okay. He only knows what he has seen, and look at dad, he’s fine! But in his world, he hasn’t seen broken bones. This is hard to process for him. This seems deadly.
And I’m thankful for Jacob’s perspective. I believe this perspective is at the core of his strength. No worries/ negative thoughts can hinder his treatment. I mean look at him. This is my favorite. I finally got him to dance by asking him to dance “fight.” He takes any battle seriously.
Jacob has the right perspective for the life he leads. His movie is one of triumph. His movie is unshakable. He has cancer and that is no big deal. He has the perspective of a winner.
I’m trying to change my perspective too. Or at least trying to have a perspective that allows me to have a movie with a happy ending.
It turns out for us adults is harder. We tend to create some negative movies even when surrounded by beauty. It’s never enough. Like this trip that I’m BEYOND thankful for, but can’t really enjoy.
I want to relish this family time, but truth? I want to just run from my kids. Literally. Runaway. Far far away. Their behavior is terrible and I’m saying it out loud. My kids are acting like dicks. Spoiled dicks to be exact.
And it gets me down as, of course, this is my fault. Our children are always a reflection of ourselves. How did I let this happen? Where did I go SO wrong? How did I raise spoiled children who don’t stop complaining?! And how will I change this? And why am I screaming all the time? Why am I…AHHHHH!
And I know what you’re saying. That “considering the circumstances” of course their behavior is bad. It is…you know… “E” word. Jacob’s anger, “E” word. Benno’s inflexibility (trying to impose his order on the world), “E” word.
You know I can literally hear you.
It’s funny I write this blog like a phone call. I just talk. Sometimes I talk to one of you. If it’s’ someone I don’t really know I actually address it to them (Dave Chappelle, Justin Timberlake, etc.) Otherwise, it’s just one of you, friends of Nightwing.
And while at face value this is a one-sided conversation, it’s not. I hear you. I listen. I value your input.
Geez. This sounds crazy. Is that crazy?
Hmmmm…now thinking about it…yes. I believe that is the definition of crazy. Voices in your head equals crazy.
And while I appreciate your kind words (that live in my head), you don’t have to live with these children or attempt to vacation with them.
So I haven’t been able to write, because I’ve been so upset about being upset. Isn’t that just the stupidest thing? Not am I only upset about their behavior, I’m upset about my reaction. Just one vicious cycle of disappointment. And I’m angry at myself. How can I not enjoy them?! Jacob is in great health and eating away. Benno is doing remarkably well and homeschooling him is fun.
So I’m taking a cue from Jacob and changing my narrative, my perspective. I’m going to STOP thinking about their bad behavior and start thinking about the GOOD behavior.
Below for proof that it DOES exist.
Benno overcoming his fear of the Ocean and swimming with me even AFTER he caught a barracuda.
How when I was just about to throw my hands up and end this vacation due to the nonstop whining I find this.
That says Benjamin Loves Mom.
How this guy is feeling great.
And how he successfully spotted the North Star from our study of the solar system. He is my best all time student!
I am thankful for this trip.
I am thankful for no broken bones.
I am thankful for all the good.
I am not going to say “it’s normal regarding the circumstances” – I don’t have your circumstances and I do yell all the time, I do feel I SUCK at parenting when everyone says I am good at it, I can’t help feeling I fail at it every day…. so it’s not normal regarding your circumstances, it’s just normal, period.
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