I am gearing up to come out from under the rock. I even worked out today (snap in the air!).
I know we have months of treatment left. Even if in the next month that mass miraculously disappears and we are 100% clear, we will continue immunotherapy and move into the vaccine phase, this will be at least another 6-10 months of hospital life. You just don’t mess around with cancer. It has become mankind’s greatest opponent due to its ability to trick, to hide, to be the trojan horse welcomed right into your home. This is no joke and we are playing to WIN. There is no second place in this game. This is life or death. We want a full remission. Relapse is a very real possibility with this cancer so we will do everything and then do more.
But even though we still have months left of treatment, I feel alive again. We have moved positions on the battlefield. Previously our strategy still has been all defense, reactive, protective, trying to survive the onslaught, but we are moving more and more of our resources to offense.
Offense is a place I can thrive. Offense is a place of power. Offense has agency. You aren’t just responding, you are moving, you are making decisions, you are planning.
And I can now think beyond yesterday and its like breathing for the first time.
And I’m starting an offensive run.
RUN CANCER MOM!
Because you can.
And after you have done cancer, you can do anything. Cancer moms are unstoppable.
So what will that be? Not sure.
But I know one thing it will not be, APOLOGETIC.
I watched the last 20 minutes of the last democratic debate and I couldn’t stop smiling. Did you see it? Did you see the two best debaters on that stage? Putting policy and content aside, did you see the wit, the passion, the ability to think quickly and thoughtfully? Did you see the WOMEN command that stage? The male candidates did not come even close to their presence. Again I’m putting policy aside!!! This is not an endorsement of any of the females by any means). This is just recognition of their debating skills. This was the first time in my life that I saw something like that. I was blown away. It was powerful. It marked a moment for me. Look at them go!
And then the last question came… when the candidates were asked to give a gift or apologize. And there it was. The apology. The apology. Only the women apologized. They apologized for being passionate. The apologized for showing emotion. They basically apologized for being women. They apologized for who we are.
Turns out we are a passionate bunch. Turns out we can multitask like no other. Turns out we can do a lot.
But I get it.
I SO get it as I’ve apologized too.
I’ve done that too. WAY too often as “the way” to lead has been defined by men.
I’ve seen it my entire career. Constantly having to “dial it down.” Been judged by my male supervisors as too emotional. I’ve even been told to “shut up.” I’ve been told “just let it go.” I’ve been told to go “slower.” I move too fast. “That’s not the way things are done.”
And I would think in my head too fast for freaking who? Too passionate for who? I’m guessing not for the children I advocate for.
And just because I speak with emotion that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m wrong. And instead of trying to dial it down, I now choose emotion. I want someone with passion fighting for my child and for this country.
WOMEN, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS APOLOGIZING?!
I am feeling very thankful today and pretty passionate about that. And guess what I’m not going to apologize about it.
And I’m not apologizing for ANY of it moving forward.
SORRY, I’m NOT SORRY.