Do you read other blogs?
I hadn’t read blogs before this. But now I’m addicted to them. Drawn especially to narratives of women in impossible situations.
Sadly, I think we all just like a good car crash. I’m not too proud to admit that. Its clear I do, evidenced by my love of terrible reality television. And its clear we all do by the traffic we create as we all crane our necks to see each disaster down the road. Are we drawn to the drama or maybe it’s the hope? But either way we are drawn to watching others falter. Maybe we wish for them to pick themselves up, but we will nonetheless, watch them fall again.
And maybe that is what I am to you. A car crash of entertainment. I don’t believe I have 16,000 friends. Maybe I do, but I’m guessing for many of you, I’m a car crash.
I’m not upset about this. I get it. I get my fix too. I’m following some stories.
Although, my perspective has changed tremendously. I don’t read the narratives for entertainment, but for clues, clues on how to survive. But I’m frustrated. I walk away feeling inadequate and upset. Instead of clues, I leave angry at myself.
Perspective changes things. How do I get their perspective?
It reminds me of how right after having Benno I could not watch day time television without breaking into tears. This never happened before (I promise). Sure it could be chalked up to hormones, but to this day, I still respond with a tear. For example, I can’t watch the Murry Povich show and its not because it is terribly stupid, which it is. Nope. That suits me just fine. No it is rather all the single moms. Before it was funny watching the DNA tests, but after Benno, just tragic. How do these women do it? How when I can hardly struggle between work and household tasks, can they do this?! HOW?! I would ruminate on it for days. Murry was banned from the house.
And now my relationships with personal narratives have changed. Yesterday I read a blog of a woman whose husband passed that day from cancer and her son was diagnosed with Diabetes the month before. Her blog was full of gratitude for her time with him on earth! Another of a mom who lost her child to cancer after a relapse and grateful for the time she did have. Account after account with these similar themes.
And I can’t help but compare. There blogs are different than mine. They speak of gratitude. They speak of hope. They are positive. I may have positive moments and there are glimmers, but yet there is not a day that I’m not like “WHY?!”
These women don’t bother with such questions. Instead they say THANKS.
I just can’t understand how these women just like I couldn’t understand the women on Murry. It is incomprehensible. How do they do it.
And now I get angry. “BO HO HOO you brat.” That is literally what I say in my head. Do you listen to yourself? There are people who have it so much harder. Look at all you have. You aren’t a single mom. You don’t live in poverty. You are swimming in help! How lucky you are! You have Nightwing. You get 8 days with your child who is looking GREAT in Florida.
So I’m challenging myself.
8 days of positivity. 8 days of enjoying life. 8 days of drinks. 8 days with my boys:)