I stopped writing.

I know.

I’M ALIVE! (as in breathing and walking).

And most importantly Jacob is doing well.

Thank you for all of the checks ins. Sorry for the scare.

I just had nothing to write about it. It’s groundhogs day here. Everyday some hurtle, some tantrum (so angry Jacob is) and every day felt like… well this is just the worst day of my life…only be topped by the next. Nothing to write and when I do, it just depresses me. It is just the same hum…incessant hum of trauma that I didn’t want to write nor read. Maybe there are things you just don’t want to remember. And definitely, some things you don’t want to relive. Some things are best forgotten.

I actually have stopped all reading that is not work-related. All of it. Nothing feels relevant any more.

But rationally if I fly above it all I can see the good that has happened these weeks, but I ain’t no bird. This is new. Maybe before I had secret wings?

Depression I guess is weird like that. Even though you know that what you are witnessing is nice, and even beautiful, it just reminds you of what it could be and everything feels sad.

Its really a shame because there have been AMAZING things. Look at what Nightwing Friends put together for Jacob. The below pictures are from November 5th, not Halloween. They created a trick or treating day for Jacob. It was beyond kind. Beyond. How lucky is Jacob?! How lucky am I to have this community? This was humanity at its best. Friends rallying for our family. Normally a thing that would fill me to the brim.

But yet couldn’t write about it.

Couldn’t write about it as Jacob screamed the entire time we left someone and only made it to 3 houses. How I got stuck on everyone going out of their own way and how Jacob was ruining it. How he has these outbursts now that come out of nowhere and are often irrational, but just wants to yell.

And all I could think about was the next milestone/ holiday Jacob will miss. His 6th birthday falls on an immunotherapy day…he will be in writihing pain and then knocked out with narcotics to make it through it and sleep the way through. How Jacob wanted to play laser tag for his birthday and can’t. 

See?

Who wants to read this shit. 

BUT I’m able to write today and trust me I’ve attempted everyday prior, because I was able to enjoy something last night. We are now in London and I am with my incredible family that includes my two nieces. I was able to see Jacob snuggle between them and for the first time in about 2 weeks I was able to feel that. 

We are also getting our Jacob back. He has three weeks between each round for his body to recover and everyday day he gets farther from his last day of treatment, we see a bit more of him. He is walking more. He is laughing and eating. 

So basically alive and just trying to stay that way!