Today is significant.

Today was a date to markdown. An anniversary of sorts.

Today I had ideas, but now it feels minimal. Steve doesn’t even remember. He didn’t even remember what today is. 

It started a year ago with luggage by the door. The marker of exciting vacations, babies on the way, or in this case, a defining surgery for a family’s future.

I thought. No. I was convinced.  This was and will be the lowest moment of my life. I was facing a possible future without this man. I was facing the possible future of raising these two boys without their father. 

It was a debilitating fear. A fear like I had never experienced before.

Even looking at the pictures I had a full-blown anxiety attack. In light of the reality of today, that possibility a year ago feels even scarier. How would I do THIS without him? What would today look like without this man?

But I’m thankful. 

Thankful that I’ve been blessed with this strong man. Who just two days later was doing this:

Lap 2 around the floor. This was big. One lung and all.

And then there was THIS moment. Looking at these videos and pictures I can’t help being drawn to Jacob. I remember all the attention prior to this moment was on Benno. We were all worried about Benno,  but it was Jacob that was scared of Steve and his tubes. It was Jacob that was scared of the hospital.

This was as close as he would get to Steve.

But he did befriend the robot, Tug and he is holding “Octi” his stuffed Octopus. I forgot that we bought him at the hospital and that this remains a favorite for Jacob that travels to Sloan with us. 

Today marks a year since Steve lost his lung to cancer. 

And looking at the pictures it brings me back. Real back.

I wish I could talk to that girl. I would tell her that this is not the end, but the beginning of a larger fight. I would tell her that he lives to not be a father (in the traditional sense), but for a bigger purpose, a soldier in a epic fight. 

I wish I could tell her that you will make good out of this despair. That you will walk away from this low to change the world. That you will found a company, Mind the Gap, that will make sure that no woman/man feels so out of control again. That we will equip everyone with the skills to live independently, to deal with anxiety, to be able to live in an unpredictable future that can include losing all that is important to you.

You will make sure none of your students past and future will live like this.

Today should be important. It’s not. Just another Monday.

I had plans for this day. We would be on the boat. We would be sailing. Steve in his captain chair.  Me holding his hand and Jacob and Benno our crew and there would be ice cream cake. This would be our family holiday to remember what is important. To live life.

This is not the day I had planned. There is no celebration. There will be none until Jacob too is able to do join. 

But today I am thankful. I am thankful to have this man. I am thankful that today Jacob woke up to NO pain. Maybe this is the anniversary of a “New Year.” Maybe this is the marker in time that I’ve been waiting for.

Today is significant. 

Next you, Jacob. Next you walk away.