I’m starting over





Reeverythinging. Even making up rewords.

I almost erased the entire blog. It felt false. It felt untrue. It felt too stupid. I read it and wanted to yell at this stupid woman. Embarrassed by her. But I stopped myself.

I can’t erase false thoughts and understanding as what is not true narrows the field of what could possibly be true. Just like all the years of false hopes. All the times scientists have declared they have cured cancer to only learn that they are no closer. All the money, all the time, all the lives, but they did walk away with one thing, closing one of the countless paths. One less fork in the road.

So I join the path of suffering. 

I will leave the past and try and trudge on. We have no choice obviously. We will do whatever it takes to save Jacob.

However, this time I trudge without a key ingredient, my core belief that life is good.

I don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe that was a ridiculous way to ever feel. Could it be that I had a warped perception of the world because I surrounded myself with children? I surrounded myself with ignorance. I created a false reality. I created a narrative that was not reflective of truth.

And the fall feels so big. Empire state building fall. Nope. Burj Kalifa fall is more appropriately. Free falling with no ground in sight. No belief that there is a parachute or even a ground that will ultimately kill me, just air.

The timing of course is the worse. I’m falling farther than I was even two weeks ago. Last week, I reentered your world a bit. I went on Instagram for the first time in 3.5 months. I was delighted to see you and your children’s smiling faces. I wasn’t jealous or upset by your selfies with beautiful vistas, I was happy. I loved seeing you happy and I even thought one day I will be there with you. I started watching the news again.  I got my hair put back in thinking that may make me feel better (sadly it did not). But overall, I was feeling a bit in control. I was feeling aware. I saw beauty in the world. I had this understanding of no such thing as circumstances and the power of intentions. The world felt beautiful and even semi controllable, which now sounds so naive to write.

Now I have no understanding.

I do not feel that way at all. I see a chaotic world with no rhymes nor reasons. I see life as a survival game not a journey.

I start over. 

I’m starting this blog over.

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  1. Thinking of you, Abby, Jacob, Steve and benno.
    Anything I can do… today, tomorrow, ever.

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