Jacob has also been cleared to “go away” this weekend. Three days without the hospital before a very BIG week. Jacob goes under 3 days out of next week and the results of these scans predict the future. Will we be walking into a chemo free future?! I SAY YES. I PRAY YES.

We are going to attempt to go to my parents’ house in Long Island. Jacob is ecstatic about it. I think we could all use a change of scenery. Our apartment may as well be a hoarders paradise as we surround ourselves with ways to survive our hunkered experience. One day I will be brave enough to show this shit show. 

Fuck it HERE. 

Notice that my husband is escaping our life with VR (for another post!). Then you can see the horror I live in. All the chaos. All the nerf guns and the explosion of Halloween decorations. I thought that decorating for Halloween would be a good two days of entertainment, but of course, they are painting the hallway walls so I’m stuck with the boxes littering the house as Jacob doesn’t want to put them away. And among it all, there is our needle box for all of Jacob’s shot needles. It’s our new way of life.

And then you see HALF (yes HALF) of the Imaginext museum. Remember this is how we get Jacob to the hospital. How many days have we been to the hospital you ask?! JUST COUNT THE TOYS! Then you will see our transportation vehicles, 3 wagons for Jacob, two electric scooters, 1 electric bike, kid’s bikes, and scooters. I can’t make this shit up. 

 And then sadly I saw myself…that’s when I had to stop filming. 

I’ve never had an unhealthy relationship with food. I’ve been one of those annoying lucky ones. I never dieted. I never exercised excessively. I don’t do soul cycle. I just was naturally thin. Now I was never strong, but I was skinny fat and it worked for me. I’ve never had to think about weight. I know that is a REAL blessing. 

But that has all changed. 

I can’t put down the spoon.

I find myself at 5am waking up and eating mac n cheese. Just filling the anxiety hole. 

Is that how it feels for you? My anxiety feels like an empty hole in my stomach that needs to be filled up. 

I hope to fill that hole with positive scans this next week. Maybe that is what fills the hole. Until then…I stuff.