I want an apology

I’ve really had enough.

I can’t even do my 10 Questions for Rosh Hashanna. First time in 9 years. I can’t even look at the questions. They make me angry.

Reflect on what?! REFLECT on how unfair everything is?! Write the same shit over and over? I’ve read my previous years of writing, beyond having a memory scrapbook, it is worth nothing. Nothing is resolved. Nothing. Just the same shit over and over. 

Am I supposed to reflect on how I can do better?! HOW THE FUCK CAN I DO BETTER?! I’m all ears. I can’t even do. I can’t even meet someone on a Thursday, because everyday is a Monday.

And tonight we are supposed to start a fast. Fast for fucking what?! Fast to show repentance. May I ask what am I repenting for? What have I done? What has Jacob done?! What has Steve done? 

WHAT?!

My son is wasting away before my eyes. Can’t eat and if he does, he just throws it up. I have a hard time even looking at him. He reminds me of my grandfather before he passed. He looks eerily similar. Same expressions. Same facial structure that is now hollow. 

And I’m supposed to stay positive. I should be happy that we are almost done with chemo, but I don’t feel that way. I don’t.

And the scans are coming. Next week.

We had to scream and yell to get our scans scheduled for next week. We had to pester and ask again and again. We had to threaten to call the “board.” WHY?! How do “regular” people do it?! How do they protect their children?! How lucky I am born of privilege and when I mean privilege I mean more than money. I am educated. I know how to ask questions. I know how to advocate. And this just makes me angrier. Angry for everyone else.

So we got the “schedule.”

Tuesday- MRI & injection for MIGB scan

Wednesday- MIGB scan (this is the BIG one)

Thursday- Bone Marrow Sample

And we haven’t been scheduled for the cat scan.

And this ISN’T even a schedule. These are DAYS. We only get times about 12 hours in advance so our life continues on in this hell. I can’t plan anything. I can’t pick up Benno from school. I can’t meet for work. I can’t even tell my own mother where I’ll be. I know NOTHING.

Jacob will have to go under twice too and I can’t prepare him for that. The idea of getting bone samples (which as you can imagine is painful) now feel like nothing. Everything once scary feels like nothing. Totally numb.

And I’m now supposed to ask for forgiveness?! When all I want is an apology.

I want an apology. 

Jacob deserves one.

Steve deserves one. 

Benno deserves one. 

My entire family deserves one.

You deserve one.

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