He stares. 

Throughout the night he wakes up and stares.

Not really sure what he is looking at. On one occasion I saw him looking at the lines coming out of his body. Tracing them with his eyes to their origin.  We never prepared him for that part. How do you tell a five year old that he’s going to have major surgery and will have tubes coming out of his body. His ignorance has served him well so far in this journey, we felt that keeping it simple “they are going to look at your bump” was the right call. Scaring him before surgery was not right and how can you prepare someone for something you yourself are not prepared for? So he is unprepared. Waking up to a new reality.

But most of the time he stares at the right far side of the room. I don’t know what he is looking at. 

I try and trace myself. I trace his gaze. Attempting to get the right angle, but I don’t see anything to stare at.

Is it the clock? Does he too feel trapped by time?

But no. It doesn’t seem to be the clock.

He just stares. 

Maybe he’s thinking.

I wonder what he is thinking about.

I ask him questions. He sometimes responds. Not because he can’t, doesn’t hear me, or is too sedated, he just doesn’t probably think it is worth responding to. Even here mothers are annoying.

They want to move him. They keep moving his position. He says “no. It will hurt.” They tell them they “have” to. He resigns. He stops asking them not to, but requests that he moves himself. 

I get that request. I get it, buddy. 

In a world where you have zero control, you grab the reigns when you can. I hold his hand as he sits up. He shakes with effort, but he does it. Sadly, it’s not to the nurse’s satisfaction. She tells him she is moving him. He gives a quiet “no” but then allows her to do her work.

And now he is awake. He asks for the lights on. He wants night over. He is watching battles. Always battles. Maybe he thinks that battles are normal life. Maybe he thinks he has it easy. At least I wasn’t just blown 100 feet by a bomb like that guy.

This may be a good perspective to have going into today as he will have to be the wounded soldier taking steps to safety. The hero from every movie.

They want him to walk a few steps today. 

I’m not worried. He will.