AND THEN…I got a wisdom tooth pulled.

Yep. Still bleeding over here. 

I’ve was neglecting some tooth pain, but last night it was too painful to neglect with some Tylenol. Perfect timing right? 

So I woke up today and said- I need surgery.

No research really. Just called a doctor asked if they can pull it and showed up. The doctor turned out to be new parent to Avenues. Thank you playa. Yep. He’s a good one. Good taste at least in education:) And it’s over.

I wanted no numbing meds. I felt it would be weird to ask. I got a strange tone when they told me this morning that because it was short notice, the surgery would be local. “Is that okay?” they asked twice making sure I understood.

Understood.

Bring it on. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted it to hurt so badly. BURN baby BURN. Maybe this will make the real pain feel numb.

The real pain is mental. 

We relearned how serious his surgery is this morning. The long-awaited meeting with the surgery team. All of the complications. All of the major nerves and organs involved. We learned that it’s on the “big” side and not in a great “place.” We learned of all the things he could lose, kidneys, etc. We learned that incision will have to be very large and that they will also be taking a mass out of his neck region. 

And then I look at Jacob. Playing. Running even. How is that possible? He doesn’t look sick?

How can something so evil be growing in someone so perfect?

It just doesn’t make sense. It’s hard to understand that there is a tumor inside there. Didn’t we just have constipation? He was never sick. But yet he is very sick and it’s stage 4. AND THEN it’s “big” and “complicated.”

Going to try and get some sleep. Turns out physical pain is not the remedy to mental pain. But I oddly like it. I want to feel what Jacob is feeling. I want to understand.