Steve gets to escape. He gets to escape for days. From Monday-Friday. He has that whole “work thing.” Tonight he is even having a work dinner. 

Poor timing on my part. I don’t make an income. I actually COST us money. Start ups require money. So he works and I stay and work from “home.” That is real fun (NOT FUN).

And I know this is right. Actually I know this HAS to be this way. Steve is the breadwinner. 

And we need his bread right now. We never planned for these expenses.  Help has about tripled and, of course, we will do any random thing that could save our son. Buy any random air ionizer, whatever it is, we will buy it! Anything that can help him. And if we have change left, TO CANCER!

Just shitty timing for everything. But I get it. I stay home and work when I can. Luckily I have my work team. They are unstoppable. They can “go to work.”

But I wonder if I was working in my former job or any job that I recevied income from…would it be any different? Would I be at work? Would I be at work part time? Would we be splitting the “working?”

I doubt it.

That wouldn’t work.  First off, he makes more money, and second, he’s not “mom.”

Mom…

Mom is the one screamed for all day. Everyone wants “mom.” Even with able bodies all around them. It is only one body that they want.

Mom is the one screamed AT all day. Always moms fault. Always.

She is the one they want when they fall and also the one they claim to “hate.” She is all.

One would think it would be fun to be “all.” But this is NO FUN.

I wish I could make some feminist statement on this, but I actually don’t think I have one to give. I just think that there is always one parent that is the “one.” They tend to be moms. Don’t have to be, but they tend to be from my observations. Maybe because they came literally out of us…maybe. Or is it that we just step up? You know actually try and answer what they ask. Or we have the p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e?

Or is it just us living up to expectations? 

Whatever it is, I play mom here. I am in charge of all.

But I miss going to work. Especially now. I miss not having my life about this. I miss conversations about anything but cancer. I miss making impact. Here I feel like its groundhogs day. While I know time is passing…it feels like I’m being held in place.

I made Steve take me “out” last night. He didn’t want to go. He sees no reason to leave and doesn’t want to. But he also gets to “go to work.” He doesn’t get it.

We walked to the nearest place that served alcohol and had outdoor seating. We got an hour. I needed AIR. That was the only requirement. We had to sit outside. Look here is our view from our nice night out.

Nothing says fun like a view of your local CVS pharmacy. But it was heaven to me.

And we started talking about new cancer therapies. Steve met with some scientists from Australia that got him very jazzed and me too!

But I had a request. Can we stop for a moment? Can we stop talking about cancer?

 And he just stared at me.

I stared back.

We had nothing to say.

What is there to say?

I tried to watch the people to make some funny banter about them. Let’s talk about all the people. As usual it is up to me to find a topic to talk about. Steve said he had nothing to say. He even seemed hurt that I didn’t want to hear his newest theories.

I just couldn’t. I just needed a break.

So I tried to think of something to talk about.

But all I could see are the youth vaping down the street. We live near NYU. All the students, just vaping down the street. 

And all I could think was “cancer for you. Cancer for you. Cancer for you.”

So I stayed quiet.