I wish I could say I did better. 

I did not do better. 

One would think this would be an easy task. All I need to do is sleep. Just sleep. How hard could that be? Lay. Close eyes. Sleep.

The nursing team does everything. I have zero tasks, but once alone in the hospital…I start the slow spiral. The pity party begins and I’m up all night. Spiraling. Reading articles on his cancer that I’ve read over a dozen times. Did i miss something?

Spiraling. 

Spiraling.

When did this begin? How did I miss this? Why are we in the high-risk category? Where did I go wrong? Should I call his GI doctor that didn’t catch this and yell? And I consider that. At 3AM I consider calling. And then I just cry knowing that it doesn’t matter. We are here and I need to be 100% here for Jacob. And there he is sleeping away peacefully.

But luckily I had some reading to keep me company. I read my entire blog.

I’ve never done that before.

I was thankful for it. Very thankful.

I was overwhelmed by how much we have done. It feels like years. How is it only a summer? How is it only weeks not years?  It was nice to think of “back then” rather than “and then.” 

Done. Did that. That is over. 

A step closer. A step closer to reclaiming my family again.

I also read of a woman so riddled. So frail. So upset. So angry. I overcame that. That is an accomplishment, but yet this morning on 2 hours of sleep in my sweatpants and t-shirt, I feel right back there. Right back to the riddled existence, no feeling of control, but at least I was reminded last night, that I can come back again. Thank you blog.

However, when reading my entire blog for the first time, the holes were blaring. I was up all night thinking of them. I could see entire paragraphs missing. I never deleted them. I just never wrote them. I would like to write about them to conquer them. Get some solace, but I can’t, afraid I will publish them, and hurt people. And image matters for these people more than anything else. The idea that people would “know.”

This is the last thing I would want to do. Hurt them. Odd, because this level of concern and care, is exactly the care that I don’t receive in return.

But when reading it all I could see was all that was absent (beyond the basic command of grammar!).

The absences and disappointments. The unrecorded. 

But while these chapters of learnings are completely absent from my blog, they are anything but absent as I don’t need reminding. These memories for some reason work differently. I don’t forget, I’ve been learning them my entire life. Since birth.  But unlike a child who touches the stove and learns of burns, I keep talking it, scars everywhere.

But I made a choice at 15 years old. I remember it. I still have a contract. I wrote it with friends. I will NOT be like this. I choose a different way of life. And I have, but still when with them, burns.

But what kept me up last night was why THESE memories I don’t need to be reminded of?  Why do I need to be reminded of the memories of knowledge, light, and love? Why does the brain work this way? Or rather, why does my brain work this way?

And what I find the most frustrating part is these learnings are ALWAYS the same. The same lesson over and over and over and over. Sure the dynamic changed over the decades, but the behaviors always the same. But yet, every time I walk into these dynamics thinking it will end differently. Isn’t that the definition of crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried. Multiple times I’ve attempted to end the cycle. Three times really tried. Just wanting to end the unhealthy relationship by making it better, but with zero luck. ZERO luck. And each time I welcome them back…the same disappointments. The same. A never-ending cycle of hurt.

I can’t imagine I’m alone on this. I know everyone has that toxic relationship that defines them. But I wish I was better at protecting myself. Thinking that they have changed or that they can see beyond themselves. WAKE UP ABBY! WAKE UP! 

So I write today to remember that things aren’t going to change. No need to fill the holes. No need to record the memories. Those I got burned into my brain. But I remind myself that there is nothing that will change. The only thing I can change is how I decide to interact or not interact with these behaviors. 

Definitely not the time to tackle this.

I need to concentrate on Jacob. But this is on my future to do list. For now, I will distance myself. I will save my energy for my children as THAT is what matters.