Why can’t I remember?

I wonder when I will no longer need to read this blog.

When I will no longer need to be reminded. When things are internal and not externally reminded. When life doesn’t feel “and then,” but rather just “then.” It’s a subtle difference, but the difference is a life filled with light or with darkness. The addition of “and” is the difference of never feeling complete. Never feeling like something is over and done. “And” is a connector. It is a word used to introduce an additional comment or interjection. Thereby adding time to something already in motion.

Maybe life is a big “and then.” That could be argued. In Paradise Island, life is “and then.” 

AND Again reminded of Office Space. “oh AND I almost forgot.”

A life of the “Mondays.”

But in my gut I know that isn’t true. I’ve had moments of “then.” Moments of decisive ends and new beginnings. I know they exist. 

I’ve even had some “then” moments in this darkness. Moments of real clarity. Moments when the world made sense.

Is that crazy to say?!  That the world can make sense while your child has cancer? But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have these moments.

And these are the best moments. I don’t feel in control. That just doesn’t exist. That I don’t need to be reminded of. Instead I feel like there is an ending. And not just any ending. AN INCREDIBLE ENDING. A life that one has never imagined. A life of infinite possibilities.

But then I forget. Wake up the next morning and lay there for every second I can squeeze. Not wanting to see the day. Scared of the next shoe to drop. The next “and then.”

Why can’t I remember? Why can’t I remember?

That’s why I leave bread crumbs. This blog. My bread crumbs. 

I wonder when I will just know the path by heart. When will it feel like the drive “home.” When you can even tune out your surroundings as you know the route like the back of your hand. Your hands know the motions, turning the wheel before your brain even registers it.

It is like breathing. No reminder needed.

I yearn for the day when the lessons are no longer lessons, something that needs to be learned, but are just reality.

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1 Comment

  1. Love you Abs. Thinking about you and Jacob and your other boys and wondering if there is anything you need. I know, it sounds so silly, but even someone to meet to take a quick walk with, or someone to hang out with you guys and play a game with Jacob so you can take a shower. I’ll be back Monday, and am here for anything. xo

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