Another outlier

We just heard from the surgical team. 

They have decided to do another round of chemo before surgery. We start on Thursday, round 4. It is the cocktail from round 1 & 2. This one makes Jacob sick.

Steve assures me this is not a big deal. That we aren’t off “protocol,” but I’m annoyed. 


I’m upset. 

I’m angry. 

I’m furious.

The doctors couldn’t have been clearer.

  1. Three rounds of chemo
  2. Surgery
  3. Two more rounds of chemo.

I was fucking paying attention. We were talking about my child’s welfare. I know what I heard.

And here we are “pushing” off surgery. 

Does this mean we have 6 rounds of chemo now? I recall them being pretty adamant that he has two rounds AFTER surgery. Is my child has to have extra chemo because of a scheduling issue?

I fucking hate August. Always have. August is the fucking worst. 

Everyone is away, but cancer isn’t (nor your school administrators). 

And when I mean “everybody” I mean the fucking .0001 percent of the world, because the rest of the people in the world don’t “summer.” Summer is just a season. It’s not a verb. It’s not something you do. Summer for the 99% is one of the four seasons only differentiated by hotter weather and school being out and having their children more underfoot. If anything summer is harder. There is no escaping to the “shore.” 

We all live a ridiculous life not based in any other reality except each other’s movies. 

 “Summer” is not a REAL thing. 

And now this summer is fucking with my son.

They can’t fit him into surgery. All too packed. You know backed up from all of the summer vacations. AHHHHHH.

And do you think I can get anyone on the phone?! Nope. We were just told this from a receptionist. 

I am trying to be rational. I am trying to remember that many (actually most) hospitals do 5 rounds of chemo before surgery. I am trying to remember that. 

Maybe this is even better. The FLICKING is working (thank you friends). Another round will make the tumor smaller. It should make surgery easier. That is a good thing right?!

BUT if that is the case then why don’t they change their protocol? Why doesn’t everyone go after four rounds?! I know that protocols are based on data. I know they ride a curve. PLEASE can I just get back on that curve and join the masses?!

I’m just done with being an outlier. 

Really done with it.

There is really only so much one person can take.

And I blame myself. 

You know what I did today? I sat down and planned for work. Off-sites etc. I attempted to plan. 

You would think I would know better by now.

One would think.

I am my own worst student.

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