Realization last night. This is not just a year, this is YEARS. This is our new life.

Steve and I sat and mapped out our path and it became abundantly clear that there will be no life like before. We will always be looking over our backs and life has new meaning.

We had always thought the SCAN  was the answer. We just need to get to the scan and life will become more predictable. We will know more. We can stop not knowing how the next day will end. We can plan. We will find normalcy again. Maybe the idea of a weekend can re-enter our field. 

We made declarations.

I decided after the scans I would wear pants with buttons again and would stop eating bagels as my diet. Steve was going to go back on his diet. After the scan!

Life after the scan! We will know more and be able to bring normalcy to our family. Hooray.

But that is anything but the case nor will it ever be the case.

This I finally accepted last night.

Even once in remission the fear of relapse is very real and common. It is clear that there will be no returning. There is no “Make the Brodys Great Again.” We will forever be changed.

But change is not always the enemy. Who knows what we can make in this new reality.

One thing is clear, we need to take control and it’s NOT going to be given to us.  We need to stop looking for the outside world (scans, doctors, etc) to give us our lives back. We will need to take it back ourselves. 

Easier said than done.

Just to put things in perspective, looking at my health app I haven’t walked a mile in over 10 weeks. The idea of moving seems selfish and a poor use of time. If I’m not with Jacob, I’m reading. I’m learning.  He can’t walk around town. So why should I?

So today I walked. I walked a mile and I didn’t eat a bagel. I did do this in sweatpants…baby steps. 

Steve is going back on his diet. Although the wolverine look is “something.” Steve is not allowed to shave according to Jacob. He wants him scruffy. The weight gain with the beard… we got ourselves half man, half wolf. I find him gorgeous in every form, but with one lung, health is important. We can’t continue in this self pity body gorge.

We have to start making plans. We know that they may change, but we are planting a flag. We are giving ourselves a goal beyond cancer, we are giving ourselves LIFE goals.

And we spoke about what our new lives.

Who am I going to be in this new life?

I decided the following.

It will be a life defined around wellness. Now that is something I never thought I would say!

My work will always be towards that in various forms. Helping our youth find wellness through the ability to trust themselves. Mind the Gap will do that. Wellness in our shared work to cure cancer. Helping give the gift of life.  

Then I said something out loud.

I think I have another career spin in me. I will do something for love and light. Something not so serious. Something that makes me and YOU laugh. All money will go towards cancer, but it will give from a lighter way. I will do something that makes me laugh while doing good. I will follow the path of wellness history…more on that in another blog.

And Steve laughed. Maybe you should write the “Vagina Dialogues.”

I swear this was the first words out of his mouth.

He was, of course, kidding.

Hmmm…

Maybe that’s not such a bad idea.

Maybe that is just what the world needs. Enough of these monologues. Enough of one voice at a time. Let’s start talking. Let’s have dialogue ladies. Let’s take it to center stage.

Hey its a possibility. At this point anything is possible.

It definitely is not “plottable.” It will be an anomaly. It is not obvious that an elementary principal will write a musical.

YES! A musical!

I just decided that right now.

if this anomaly happens, it will be MUSICAL. It will involve glitter. Oh yes it will!