My head is throbbing. It feels like the nerve endings in my body are raw, exposed, without protection, just being blown in the wind, microbes are attacking it and I sting. I sting all over. I want to cry. I want to run. And I don’t think I’m alone. 

The volume is just so so so so loud. SCREAMING. 

It is the same chant.

“You don’t get it.” 

“I never get what I want.”

Jacob is very ANGRY. He also has an insatiable need for THINGS all of a sudden. He is used to presents every day now. This is not okay. This is not sustainable. This is NOT where I want to spend our funds. But he is hysterical all day long. SO ANGRY.

The THING he wants most is Benno. Everything is about Benno. He wants Benno to sit with him when he watches a show. Benno needs to build lego with him. Benno needs to go to the hospital with him. He wants us to punish Benno for not playing boat with him. He is mad at Benno and us. He screams how unfair life is. 

He is insistent that “we don’t understand.”

He’s right about that, but we are trying.

And Benno is being FANTASTIC! Really truly fantastic. I’m an adult and am amazed at how much he is “taking” from his brother. It is hard to watch. His brother screams, kicks, yells, and wants all of him, all the time. He isn’t even really kind to Benno. Just wants him to be there. And Benno is showing up 65% of the time. There is only so much an 8-year-old wants to do with his 5-year-old brother, especially when it all comes at decibels that can make you deaf. 

And when Benno refuses, Jacob SCREAMS for hours (I am not exaggerating).

We are all on edge. All at each other’s throats and the volume makes all of us yell. All of us are yelling over here. At each other and it sucks.

And I can’t win. How do I unspoil this child? How is it okay that my child just threw something because I wouldn’t buy him ANOTHER toy on Amazon.

And the problems just start there.  

How do you discipline a kid who you know is full of poison and is losing his immunity?  He kicks me. He screams at me all day. That isn’t okay. I know that. I punish him and then I feel terrible. No winning. 

How do you tell a kid its day 9 and that he needs to calm down? That screaming is not helping him. That his fever is going up. That we really don’t want to go to the hospital. PLEASE take a breath.

How do you tell a kid that he has to take medicine? Like HAS TO. Life depending medicine when he doesn’t want to. Do you threaten to take things away?! What do you do?! It has to be done and at a certain time.

How do you tell a kid that he will get shots, lots of them coming up, when he asks that question every day? Do you lie? You know that if you tell him yes, he will spend the entire day screaming about it. But then you lied if you don’t and I need his trust. I need that badly.

How do you tell a kid that he needs to eat certain foods if he doesn’t like them? HOW?!!!!!

How do you tell a kid that tomorrow we need to go to the hospital again?

How do you tell a kid who is looking forward to school that he won’t be going?! 

How do you tell a kid that everyone in this house needs today to be calm for their own mental health because we are already on edge about tomorrow?

And how do you save yourself from going mad through it all?

I can’t just walk out! 

I write this from a very dark room. I’m hiding. Yes. I’m hiding. I’ve tapped out for a bit.

And I agree with him. This is all so unfair. 

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