Today we met with the surgical team. I was looking forward to it (that’s not the right words), but I felt that this was a milestone. A marker closer to the finish line. I was eager for today.

But that was niave. I should know better by now.

Today was the first time I really sat and looked at his scans. I know I’ve been shown them before, but I think today was the first time I heard any of the words accompanied with them. 

And I can’t unlearn them. That is unfortunate. I’m not sure how I will walk these next weeks. How I will be able to sleep knowing what I know. Knowing what the future will hold. I saw his tumor.

And you would think after all my readings about tumors. All my research that I would be prepared.

I wasn’t.

It is large. It is really large. It is more than double the size of Steve’s and Steve’s was big.

 It is wrapped around his aorta. Now I may not know a lot about biology, but I am perfectly aware of the importance of the aorta. I know that it is the pipeline of life. 

I learned about infected lymph nodes. Things in his neck. 

I heard that surgery will be 12 hours or MORE. 12 hours. Just to put things in context, Steve’s surgery was 3.5hrs, and he lost a lung. And Steve’s was done through a robot, less dangerous, less invasive, less risk of infection. Jacob will takes weeks to recover and during those weeks he will go through another round of chemotherapy. They don’t wait. They want to keep knocking him down, even after hours of surgery. It is the only way.

Or at least the only way today. One day I will have the energy to write about the historical side of cancer. How things have slowed. How innovation in cancer has not grown with the disease itself. How we are living longer and cancer grows stronger (especially in age).

How I am convinced that the world killed all the people and knowledge to kill this disease. How the holocaust lives on. And it isn’t just the Jews now, its everyone. How one out of two men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime. How one in three women will too. We all will be touched by this illusive disease. This disease that reminds me of the Trojan horse, disguised and welcomed right into your fortress. It is the ultimate traitor. The ultimate terrorist. And it lives inside of ALL of us. The question is if it will grow.

This is scary shit.

And then they said he may need two surgeries. Each 12hours or more depending on the results of his next scan. They would do them a month a part. Even when you think You have accepted that you can’t plan. That you have to live every day not knowing where you will sleep that night (home or hospital), you can still get hit with surprises that rock your core. I was not expecting that.

So I need your help.  We need a good scan. We will get this in the next 3 weeks.

We desperately need that tumor to have shrunk from chemo. We know surgery is a must, but we wish for just one. That tumor needs to SHRINK. 

I need the power of your thoughts. I need the power of your prayer. I need it all. I need you all to help me shrink that tumor.

Here is my visualization if you want to try it. 

I picture a pea, not so much in size (its more lima bean size), but I guess when I think of frozen foods, I think peas so pea it is. It is frozen because of chemotherapy , it kills the tumor so that it can be peeled from the veins and organs it has attached to. 

So it’s a lima shaped looking pea. It has ice all over it. It is lopsided with ice. One side has an icicle even. And in my mind I can flick it. Just with one finger. Flick and it moves.

Flick.

Flick.

It is so easily movable. It detatches to the aorta. It is just flicked away.

Can you flick with me?

You can do it while driving. You can do while in a meeting. You can do it at the pool. Flicking is doable underwater. Just flick your finger while imaging a frozen pea, because that’s what Jacob needs right now. He needs to be Ant Man. He needs to shrink his tumor and go into superhero mode. 

I can’t stop flicking at times I use my middle finger. 

Use any finger. Give people the “bird” for all I care. 

I just know ONE thing. I believe in the power of community. I believe the power of people united. I believe we can flick this thing.