Today is day one.
That is how a month in my time works. There is no July 10th that will be followed by a July 11th.
There is just a count. You just count. 1, 2. 3…
It gives you no idea of yesterday, there is no “name,” it is just time passing. You count time passing.
Day 1 is the first day of chemo. Our months are, as with everything in this time, unpredictable. There is no standard 30 or 31 days, some can be short, some can be long. There is no way of telling.
It’s an interesting way to live.
Not knowing days.
Not knowing what tomorrow is going to be.
Not being able to “plan.” Not to be able to look forward to that “weekend in Napa.” There is no countdown to something.
Counting to start over again.
When I think about this, I wonder if this is the “NOW?”
Am I living in that “NOW” that we are all supposed to be trying to achieve? Isn’t this THE hot thing right now? Living in the NOW? Living in the moment. Savoring the place you are in. Being present.
I’m into the concept. I’m into it. It’s putting down your phone and actually playing with your child. It’s being present.
I’ve tried to do this in your time. I never was successful. I was always go go go go. Always a quick text or email I had to send. Never fully with anyone. Even on vacation, Steve and I would plan our next vacation. How to do it better. Always thinking of tomorrow. Always wanting more.
And here I am. In the now. Where I always wanted to be. Wanting nothing, but yet everything, health.
But I’m rethinking this NOW concept.
I’m not abandoning it…just rethinking it.
Because what if the present is not livable?
What if the NOW is unbearable?
And unrelatable? You feel alone. You feel like you are walking alone. Not many do understand what I’m going through, thank God. These are rare shoes. And of the unfortunate few, there are none in your exact shoes. No one has a Steve and a Benno. No one.
This experience can feel that way. Isolating.
The unbearable part is bad, but the unrelateable part is the worst.
Right? Being relatable is what gives things meaning.
Hearing a good song is only as good as having someone to dance with it to. Singing happy birthday doesn’t have meaning without other’s ears to acknowledge it. Our sense of self, our sense of accomplishment is all only verified by others.
And it’s a two-way street. Living in the now is not just about being present for yourself and having others verify your existence, but it’s also about being present for others and verifying theirs. It’s a win-win, if you will.
So I’m working on living in the NOW here, in the unbearable and unrelateable.
I want to share my tricks. My secrets. Just as you taught me how to spike my child’s mac n cheese.
First, let’s address the unbearable part.
I live in the future in the now. I visualize it. It’s a strange concept so just go with me on this for a bit.
I envision building legos with Jacob (while I’m actually doing it) with him on a beach. I envision us washing our hands for the 17th time in an hour at an outdoor music venue. I can even hear me say to him “port o potties are so disgusting. Here’s purell!”
I watch Steve cure cancer. Or together we pull our talents with him doing 99% of the lift and cure fucking cancer. I envision it clearly. This allows me to be “in it.” I can be fully there with Jacob.
I am creating my own now.
And now to the unrelatable side.
This is it. You write. You connect. On your own terms and say whatever you want. Speak your truth. One thing about having a child with cancer, is you can say whatever the fuck you want. But speak your truth for the better GOOD. Speak your truth that will help others.
Verify their experiences.
So today I count with you.