Today we sailed. We sailed!
I was nervous, but while pushing off the dock, the dock hand, looked me dead in the eyes and said “Everything changes at sea. Cleansing. Just like the waves lapse. It’s going to be good.”
It felt like confirmation to me. I’m always looking for confirmation these days. Even when leaving the hospital for my daily walk. Should I go left or right? I am sometimes paralyzed with this BIG decision as if I make the wrong decision, I could hurt Jacob. One path versus another.
I look for birds. I follow the birds. Nightwing’s symbol is a bird.
And today we saw birds, but one seemed to follow us.
We sailed away with Nightwing on our stern.
All of us together as a family. All of us in our usual seats. Jacob behind me. Steve driving and me next to Benno to deal with his anxiety. Everyone played their “normal” role. We sailed listening to music on shuffle and a Beatles song came on. Jacob likes this one too. “Hey Jude.” At the nahhnahhh nanana nah nah part, I screamed so loud. Not outloud as that would scare Benno, but I screamed it in my head and opened my mouth wide like I was. It felt so good.
Nothing but us and the ocean. Nahhh Nahh Nahh Nanananahhhh!
I squeezed Steve’s hand and I felt the squeeze back.
I loved seeing Steve sail. He just had one job to do right then. Sail that boat. I felt so happy for him as his usual job is 15 things at once. Between his job, helping me with my job, and his number one job, Jacob, this man does not stop moving (and lately eating!).
Even at night Steve has jobs. He sets a timer and every few hours puts on his night googles and sneaks into Jacob’s bed to take his vitals without waking him up. We don’t have to do this that often, but of course, safety Steve is on it. And of course he has night googles so he never needs to bother Jacob. Just another one of his gadgets.
I’ve been telling Jacob stories. I spend my days trying to fill his brain with interesting factoids. Trying to make the most of his sedatary existence right now. But, recently, I’ve been trying to fill him with stories of strength.
He needs it. We have a long road ahead. If this is a marathon we are at mile 1 and I’m exhausted. Steve is exhausted. I seriously can’t imagine taking one more step. I need Jacob to be strong.I told them how unique he is.
I told him the ultimate secret.
He and Benno are the only ones to have BOTH Brody and Levin genes in the world. The previous day I explained to him about genetic code so he peaked up with interest. I told him that this Levin/Brody is the most powerful combination in the world. No one has had it before. It can do wonders.
It can even preform miracles.
I told him from the Brody he side he gets the ability to solve any problem by just thinking. Whenever in trouble, he will find a way out. He can even help others find their way out. The Brody genes will always make you safe. In addition, you have the Levin genes. We can fight any infection and can imagine anything. We can create and lead. You can make the world a better place. You can envision what something should be and create it.
You can solve and create. Its never been done. You have never been done.
He nods. He gets silent. We turn off the lights and I start wondering if I’m scaring him. Maybe I’m scaring him. Why is mom telling me these stories?! How sick am I?! I threw up before….maybe something is wrong? I have tubes sticking out of me and my mom keeps checking them and she never shuts up!
30 minutes go by…I think he is sleeping. I’m just staring at the ceiling.
Jacob: “Mom can I ask you something?”
Me: I jump up! “Of course.”
Jacob: “We need to turn on the lights for this.”
I swear my heart was beating out of my chest. I was so scared of the question he was going to ask.
Jacob: “Why is Julietta spelled with a “j” when it sounds like hullietta?
That was it.
That’s what he wanted to ask.
We had a discussion about the silent “j” in Spanish, but that was it. So refreshingly it. So five year old it. So normal it.
And guess what I did? I slept (for like 5 hours, most in weeks!)
And we are now living Brooklyn and the stereotype is real, so many craft beers. Seriously an entire grocery aisle devoted to craft beers. I’m going to try them all tonight. I’m going to get drunk. Yes I am. Oh yes I am.